Reddit is just full of puns
How does Trump differ from terrorist organisations?
Terrorist organisations take responsibility for their actions.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
To the person who stole my glasses
I will find you. I have my contacts.
What do you get when you cross Captain America with the Incredible Hulk?
The Star-Spangled Banner.
I got yakuza and jacuzzi mixed up
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia
The most corrupt president in American history. Also pictured: Richard Nixon.
https://ift.tt/2qIn6m2
I like to cook dangerously
I take whisks in the kitchen
My obese parrot died the other day
I’m very sad but I gotta say it’s a big weight off my shoulders
What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
What happens when an atheist prays?..
The same thing that happens when a Christian does.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase
He asks, “What are you doing?” She replies, “I’m off to New York. I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free.” Later, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. “Where are you going?” she asks. “I’m coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800 a year.”
Do you want to know where I store all my dad jokes?
A dad-a-base
What do you call a flirty philosoper?
A Socra-tease
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought
Wow this is ledge ‘n dairy
My son said he always gets tired after using his phone for too long.
I heard they got a nap for that.
An Englishman,a Frenchman,a Spaniard and a German are watching a juggling show
The juggler notices that they have a poor view and stands on a box. He then says”Can you see me now?” And they answer: “Yes” “Oui” “Si” “Ja”
I named my horse “Mayo”
Sometimes Mayo neighs.
Did you know that if you get really close to a lighter flame…
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
Autocorrect…
Makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.
A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .
It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud voice: “I FUCKED YER GRAMA, YOU SON OF A BITCH!” Place goes dead quiet. The big guy doesn’t move, but he also doesn’t take his eyes off the old man. “You hear me, asshole?! I FUCKED her every which way for HOURS, and you know what? She LOVED it!!She BEGGED for more! What do ya think of THAT?!” The biker says nothing. This just makes the old man angrier. “What’s the matter with ya, ya pussy? Ain’t you got nothing to say?!” Slowly, the massive biker rises to his feet . . . . . . and says . . . “Let’s get you home, Grampa. You’re drunk.”
I recently took a pole
I found out that 100% of people in the tent were mad when it collapsed.
My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!!”
"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
My sex life is hot like the Sahara desert.
Just two palms and no dates.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!”
What a weird way to start a conversation
You know what happens every time I tell Dad Jokes?
He usually laughs.
A pregnant woman got into a car accident and was placed in a medically-induced coma.
A few days later, when the woman woke up, she noticed that was no longer pregnant and asked the doctor what happened to her baby. The doctor replies, "Congratulations, you had twins! A baby girl and baby boy!" The woman was relieved to hear this, but the doctor continued. "However, per hospital policy, we needed names for the children. Since you were unconscious, your brother named your children for you." "Oh, no!" she cried. "My brother is an idiot! What terrible names did he give my babies?" The doctor replied, "Your brother named your daughter Denise." The woman was pleasantly surprised. "That's… that's actually not bad! What did he name the boy?" "Denephew."
My kid asked me, “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
I said, “Usually to avoid answering questions like these.”
Knock knock
Who's there? To. To who? (Shakes head) To whom.
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
I’m allergic to death.
It causes me to start coffin.