Reddit moment
Who is CRISPR’s favorite actor?
Gene Hackman
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
A father passing by his son’s bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands… "Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry, Dad. I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!
Two conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's a coincidence
Satan was really mad when he went bald.
There was hell toupee.
What do you call a disagreeable horse?
A neigh sayer.
Guys, I just broke up an attempted murder…
But to be fair, those crows shouldn't have been gathering in the middle of the road
What happened when the butcher backed into his meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
Unfortunately my dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday
He buried someone in the wrong hole. It was a grave mistake.
What did one hat say to the other?
You stay here, I’ll go on ahead.
I made $60.25 sucking dicks last night
Dude 2: lol, who gave you the quarter? Dude 1 : they all did.
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words. American English: no u
Why did the anti-vaxxer’s 4 year old son buy a corvette?
He was having a midlife crisis.
If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome…
I guess now it's clear why everybody calls me handsome.
What did the zero say to the 8?
Nice belt
People are so sad I’m not entering the bake off this year.
Even their cakes are in tiers.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man asks, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.” She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and asks, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.” The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. How am I supposed to work in the dark?”
What language do oranges speak?
Mandarin.
My dad passed away last year because my family didn’t know blood type in time for the doctors to do a transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying "be positive" but it's hard without him.
My wife asked my if sex has changed since I got my vasectomy
I just tell her I hadn't noticed a vas deferens
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married…
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.
I don’t know how much she charges,
What do biographers and serial killers have in common?
Multiple life sentences.
A mushroom walks into a bar…
The bartender says we don't serve your kind here, The mushroom says, why not? I'm a "fungi"!?
(From a 6-year old) Why did Cinderella always lose at tennis?
Because her coach was a PUMPKIN.
My dad is a social distancing champion!!!
I havent seen him since 2005
PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )
Windows : Please enter your new password. User : cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters. User : boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character. User : 1 boiled cabbage Windows : Sorry, the password must not have blank spaces. User : 50bloodyboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character. User : 50BLOODYboiledcabbages Windows : Sorry, the password must not have cosecutive capital letters. User : 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow! Windows : Sorry, the password cannot contain a special character. User : IWillHuntYouDown50BloodyBoiledCabbagesYouStupidIdiotGiveMeAccessNow Windows : Sorry, this password is already in use.
“Mom, I’m dating a man.”
"Whom, sweetheart?" "Mike the mailman." "Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!" "But mom, age is just a number." "Sweetheart, I don't think you understood."
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis. Edit: *Father Edit: * LADDER!!!! Dammit.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
