Reddit moment
Me, trying to sound smart: So, who is your favorite philosopher?
Her: It’s Hume. Me: Sorry, whom is your favorite philosopher?
What’s the worst part of locking your keys in the car outside planned parenthood?
Having to go back in and ask for a hanger.
I’m opening a dispensary that sells weed and doughnuts.
It called glazed and confused.
A snail was told he would go faster if he took his shell off………
…… but it just made him more sluggish!
My girlfriend usually has peanut butter toast for breakfast, but this morning we were out of bread, and she’s been grouchy all day.
I never knew she was lack-toast intolerant.
Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"
Why should people with heart disease avoid sleeping outdoors?
Because camping is in tents.
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
If your cable stops working, it could be a bad ohm-N.
Sorry for the terrible pun, I just couldn't resist.
I started to let Jesus take the wheel, but then I remembered…
that motherfucker ain’t afraid to die.
When does a car stop being a car?
When it turns into a driveway.
A horse walks into a bar. The shocked bartender points a finger at him alarmingly and yells “HEY!”
The horse replies "You read my mind buddy!"
A weasel goes to the bar
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?” The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.” “Pop!” goes the weasel.
If pronouncing my B’s as V’s makes me sound Russian
Then soviet.
A Joke from my little cousin
What do you call a bunch of monkeys all mixed up? An Orangatangle!
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin
My sister bet me I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti…
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
A T-Rex walks into a vegan restaurant and is greeted by a girl who said she knew him.
He had never met herbivore.
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
It takes balls to be a semen donor
No text found
Why is the paper glowing?
Because the paper is light.
Do you know why dark is written with “k” and not with “c”?
Because you can't see in the dark
The wife said: “Bulls can engage in sexual activity more than 20 times in a day. I wish you could do that…”
And the husband replied: "Just remember they do it with more than one cow…"
Today I saw an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
A programmer’s wife tells him as he leaves the house: “While you’re out, buy some milk.”
He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl’s junior college, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”
Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced. Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
A Cowboy is riding his horse on his first trip to cowtown when he reaches a fork in the road…
At the fork, there is a sign which reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused and having never heard of Reddit, decides to give in to his curiosity and go right. After riding for a mile or so on the path, he reaches another fork. This sign reads "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." The cowboy, confused again about how he's reached the same sign decides that he's made a mistake somewhere along his path and looped back to where he started. Thinking he's made a mistake, he goes right again. He travels another five miles down the path until he reaches another sign, reading the same thing. "Reddit go right, cowtown go left." Determined to reach Reddit, he again goes right, and after another five miles of riding, he reaches a bar with "REDDIT" spelled out in bright lights. Feeling exhausted and angry for traveling all of that way with such little direction from the signs, the man decides to head in and have a beer. He walks in and sees that every bar stool is taken, but there is no one behind the bar taking orders. At this point, the cowboy is so dehydrated, sunburned and angry that he decides to barge right into the managers office and demand an explanation for this madness. He sees the manager sitting at his desk and asks him: "Hey Partner! What kind of circus are you running here? Every sign to get here is the exact same, and there's not a single person here to take my order!" The manager looks up from his desk, smiling and says : "This must be your first time here, so I'll explain. Every post is the same, and our servers never work. Welcome to Reddit, partner."
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,
It's a good thing I'm married…
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
I asked my atheist friend how he celebrates Christmas without believing in Jesus
He asked me how I celebrate Valentine's day when no on likes me
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully.
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.
My son was just born and another dad at the nursery congratulated me and said his daughter was born yesterday. He said; maybe they’ll marry each other.
Sure, like my son is going to marry someone twice his age…
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually