Redditors: Your best animal puns in the comments below please.
Minneapolis City is disbanding the police
So now it's just Minnea City
My neighbour’s 4-year-old has been learning Spanish since lockdown.
He still can't say "please" though, which I think is poor for four.
I met a girl with 12 nipples..
Sounds funny, dozen tit?
Bob was in trouble.
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Kinky in Bed
I was fucking my wife last night and she looked back and said "I'm feeling kinky!Turn off the light and stick it in my ass!" As soon as I did, she screamed! I guess maybe next time I should wait for the bulb to cool down first.
![[OC] Reminding coworkers to test their code be like…](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/s4sh9q23eaz31-400x338.jpg)
My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. “You fucking prick, that’s so inappropriate!” she screamed. “Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don’t angry at you about that!” I shouted back.
I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply. She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs…
What do you call a sad coffee??
Dippresso
Why didn’t the sperm donor have any free time?
Because he had loads to do.
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice skating before it was cool
April 13th, 2020 Presidential Campaign Rally Masquerading as a COVID-19 Task Force Briefing
https://ift.tt/2Vbc0Tj
You know what’s wrong with political jokes?
They sometimes get elected.
The wife is mad at me
My wife caught me peeing in the shower, and the people at Lowe's are still mad about it.
Got the best compliment from my doctor today
He said I had athlete's foot. I've only been training for 3 days so didn't think anyone would notice
I can’t stand when my wife
tells me to sit
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
My girlfriend broke up with me when she went away to college.
She said she was majoring in bye-ology.
Conjunctivitis.com
Now that’s a site for sore eyes
Did you hear about the communist sniper?
He was an incredible marxman
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
On what charge was the guy arrested for rearranging his dinner table?
Dish-orderly conduct.
I really want to work at a place that sells mirrors
It’s something I could always see myself doing
My grandfather died and I inherited some of his belongings.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoonish images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this back story? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
Dude, where’s my
https://ift.tt/2pry5ze
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza
Should’ve cooked it on aloha temperature
A hurricane is headed for a small town. The news says that everyone needs to evacuate. A religious man in the town says “I’m not going to leave my home, God will protect me”.
The hurricane hits, and it's bad. There's mass flooding, and the police come to the man's door and tell him he needs to leave. The man says "I'm not afraid, God will protect me." The police give up and leave him. The water rises in his house, so the man is forced to climb onto his roof. Just then a National Guard boat comes by and tells him to get in. The man says "I'm not afraid, my God will protect me" and refuses to get in the boat. Eventually the National Guard is forced to give up and move on to help others. Then the man drowns. When he gets to the pearly gates he meets God and says "God, why didn't you protect me?" God sighs and says "I sent you the news, the police, and a boat. What fucking more do you want?!"
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
I was going to tell a time-travel joke
but you guys didn't like it
There are 3 types of people in the world:
1: The ones who can count 3: The ones who can’t
The internet connection at my farm was really poor, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. “Olympic condoms?”, she blurts, “What makes them so special?” “There are three colors”, he replies, “Gold, Silver and Bronze.” “What color are you going to wear tonight?”, she asks cheekily. “Gold of course”, says the man proudly. The wife responds wryly, “Why don’t you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change.”
“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.
So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.
I couldn’t remember if the sun rose in the east or the west
and then it dawned on me
What’s a Javelina’s favorite body of water?
The Bay of Pigs.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
I invented a new type of car…
Me: "I invented a new car. It's powered by silence!" My friend: "Wow, this is going to revolutionize the industry!" Me: "Yeah, it goes without saying."
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"