Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume? Me: That’s when I went to Yale… Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
He keeps a log.
Cause he has little legs!
That's my story and I'm sticking to it
In the end we decided to just let her live.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I don't know, they just ransomware.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women
About a handful
He asked me why I couldn’t just use a sponge.
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget
The cow didn't make it.
Exactly where you left it.
You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old age home feeling and start feeling better every day. Then you get kicked out for being too healthy. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. Then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day. You work 40 years until you're too young to work. You get ready for High School: drink alcohol, party, and you're generally promiscuous iykwim. Then you go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, and you have no responsibilities. Then you become a baby, and then… You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions – central heating, room service on tap, and then… You finish off as an orgasm. I rest my case.
Because Republicans always insist on carrying a baby to full term.
They were cooked in Greece.
It's not stroganoff
632 Hallmark movies.
He wanted to get up oily in the morning.
Because he’s Claustrophobic.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
A man takes his seat at the NBA final. He looks over and notices there’s an extra seat in between himself and the next guy.
The man says, "Who would ever miss the NBA final?” The guy replies, "Well that was my wife’s seat. We have been to the last four NBA finals together, but sadly she passed away.” The man says back, "That’s terrible, but couldn’t you get another close family member to come with you?” The guy says, "No. They're all at the funeral."
It's morphine time.
"You don't look so good today, Bambi," said Barbie. "You're right," said Bambi. "I feel like I'm coming down with something. My throat really hurts." Barbie suggested, "You know, whenever I have a sore throat I give my husband oral sex and the next day I feel great." Bambi carefully considered this. The next day Barbie noticed that Bambi looked better. "You look much better today. Did you take my suggestion?" Bambi replied, "I sure did. It worked great. And your husband just couldn't believe that it was your idea!"
In a panic reflex I instantly changed to a random channel, the fishing channel. As my wife walks out again she says: "you should stay on the porn channel… you know how to fish."
Her: Can you look upstairs? Me: I can't look up anything
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.