I’m gonna put my glasses on
Before work, during work, and after work.
Because he was too far out
The Crimea River.
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
When it's apparent
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
I stopped seeing her for a while.
They have two shifts.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
I woke up exhausted.
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
A homo sectional
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
Where you put the cucumber.
like there's no tomorrow.
but I saw right through it.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
But when I got home, all the signs were there
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Cause they lactose
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
In little knotsies
Which I really didn't appreciate.
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
She seemed surprised