Regex
Just so everybody is clear
I’m gonna put my glasses on
I’m not an alcoholic. In fact, there’s only three times I ever drink.
Before work, during work, and after work.
Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
What’s the most sarcastic body of water on earth?
The Crimea River.
Did you hear about these new reversible jackets?
I’m excited to see how they turn out!
[Long] One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage.
One evening after the honeymoon, Bob was working on his Harley in the garage. His new wife was standing there by the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally said, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we're married, maybe it's time you quit spending so much of your time out here in the garage. You probably should consider selling your Harley and all that welding equipment; they take up so much of your time. And that gun collection and fishing gear, they just take up so much space. And you know that boat is such an ongoing expense and you hardly use it. I also think you should lose all those stupid model airplanes and your home brewing equipment. And what's the use of that vintage hot rod sports car?" Bob got a horrified look on his face. She noticed and said, "Darling, what's wrong?” He replied, "You were starting to sound like my ex-wife.” "Ex-wife!?" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!” Bob replied, "I wasn't…"
When does a joke become a dad-joke?
When it's apparent
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
Atheism and Religion are two sides of the same coin.
One relies on heads while the other is just based on tales.
If you build a man a fire he will be warm for a day.
If you set a man on fire he will be warm for the rest of his life.
My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day…
I stopped seeing her for a while.
Why don’t keyboards sleep.
They have two shifts.
Today was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then I lost my job as a driver.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
“What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?”
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time…" A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit…"
What do you call a gay couch?
A homo sectional
“What do you wish to do in the future?” asks the teacher.
Pete: "I want to be a pilot" Tommy: "I want to be a doctor" Margaret: "I want to be a good mother" Frank: "I want to help Margaret"
To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner.
They picked pizza. Then I made tacos because they don't live in a swing state.
I asked the Wal-Mart worker where I could find the nuts.
"They are all in the toilet paper aisle right now."
What’s the difference between being hungry and horny?
Where you put the cucumber.
Thanks Coronavirus, now that I work from home I finally had time to make some memes
https://ift.tt/39UnteV
People are making apocalypse jokes
like there's no tomorrow.
My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t slutty,
but I saw right through it.
I went to get tornado insurance for my camp site, but the bank refused.
They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”
I refused to believe my son got fired as a road worker for theft.
But when I got home, all the signs were there
My dad tried to punch the fog today…
he mist.
My future boss asked if i could perform under pressure.
I said "No, but I can do a great Bohemian Rhapsody"
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet
Cause they lactose
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
But it's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house. The difference is staggering.
My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In little knotsies
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up …
Which I really didn't appreciate.
“Dad, how do you cast spells?”
"You just follow the instructions." "Which instructions?" "Yeah, they're the ones."
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high…
She seemed surprised