Regex

https://ift.tt/2OoNcm4

devopsjokeslinuxprogrammingserversresysadmintechwindows

What do you call , a doctor that doesn’t like visiting the malls?

Opthamol-ogist

If you yell, “Encore!” at the end of a drum line performance…

… be ready to deal with the re-percussions.

Trump to Boycott NFL and US Soccer if the players protest

Trump to Boycott NFL and US Soccer if the players protest

https://ift.tt/2MWExHb

Definitely a meltdown

Definitely a meltdown

Cheating is not cool

Cheating is not cool

https://ift.tt/34Y9265

From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.

From a Boomer friend’s Facebook.

https://ift.tt/38fLwni

Damn threads!

Damn threads!

https://ift.tt/3flluCz

What’s the definition of trust?

Two cannibals giving eachother a blowjob

:(

:(

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?

A father in law

*Frog Noise*

*Frog Noise*

If you think about it, a horse is just a eunuchorn

If you think about it, a horse is just a eunuchorn

FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL

FORTRAN, SASL, MATLAB, Julia, Mathematica, Smalltalk, Lua , Erlang, APL

https://ift.tt/2TVgGeM

My first attempt at writing a dad joke. Please take it easy on me.

A dad joke. How did I do?

gender equality in children

gender equality in children

Screw you Todd Howard, actually that sounds kind of fun

Screw you Todd Howard, actually that sounds kind of fun

bigscope

bigscope

​https://ift.tt/3cbhN10

My wife insisted that I read “Pride and Prejudice”, but I said no.

I’m too good for it, and I have a feeling that the book will lecture me.

I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

Brainwashing? Is that a real thing?

Brainwashing? Is that a real thing?

https://ift.tt/38JCtv4

When does a joke become a “dad” joke?

When the punchline is a parent.

My wife asked me if I was having an affair with a woman from Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogogoch.

I said: “How can you say such a thing?”

What a happy ending.

What a happy ending.

https://ift.tt/35vJb5Y

I took a video of my shoe yesterday.

It was some pretty good footage

I don’t think this occurs usually…

I don’t think this occurs usually…

https://ift.tt/2RZVSmn

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked: “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”

The father replied: “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.” With that the father went to the telephone and dialled a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said: “Hello, is Melvin there?” The man answered: “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don’t you learn to look up numbers before you dial.” “See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch.” The father dialled the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father. “Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You’ve got a lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard. The father turned to his daughter and said: “You see, that was anger. Now I’ll show you what exasperation means.” He dialled the same number, and when a violent voice roared: “Hello!” The father calmly said: “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”

Actual TEARS!😂😭😂😭

Actual TEARS!😂😭😂😭

STRENGTH

STRENGTH

https://ift.tt/362TNtw

They really couldn’t think of a better caption?

They really couldn’t think of a better caption?

Yo mamma’s so ugly…

Yo daddy takes her to work with him every day so he doesn’t have to kiss her goodbye.

dam

dam

But the Bible says.

But the Bible says.

https://ift.tt/2KipdmQ

I have sex daily

I mean I have daily sex I mean I have dyslexia

Give me Mah FrEEdOm!!!

Give me Mah FrEEdOm!!!

https://ift.tt/2zHYtuc

If you’re lazy…

If you’re lazy…

Funny pun intended first impeach Trump video

Funny pun intended first impeach Trump video

I was really angry when I found out that my buddy Mark stole my dictionary.

I confronted him and said, “Mark, my words!”

New job

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?” He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.” “OK, have you ever been in the military service?” “Yes,” he says, “I was in Afghanistan for one tour.” The interviewer says, “That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?” The guy says, “Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles.” The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Disabled in your country’s service! Well that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay.” Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 AM to 4:00 PM. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 AM every day.” The guy is puzzled and asks, “if the work hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM, why don’t you want me here until 10:00 AM?” “This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.”

Together alone?

Together alone?

https://ift.tt/2reXLA9

Literally 👌😂

Literally 👌😂

Two police officers slammed their fists on my door.

"We've come to inspect your house for drugs!" they shouted. I said, "Fuck off. Get your own."

Watch the full video, it has more to it.

Watch the full video, it has more to it.

https://ift.tt/3aT9yWj

Candidate selection matters

Candidate selection matters

https://ift.tt/2UN9KRQ

Gamers…

Gamers…

https://ift.tt/2EGc6sS

science

science

I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts. When I asked if I could take two, he said no.

I said, “Can I at least Taekwondo?”

Shaquille o’ peel

Shaquille o’ peel

Off by 24 error

Off by 24 error

https://ift.tt/2OwVfPg

Sheep

Sheep

https://ift.tt/2unxHEN

unnecessary

unnecessary

Breaking the law!

Breaking the law!

https://ift.tt/39wrx4f

The most advanced debugging tool on this planet…

The most advanced debugging tool on this planet…

https://ift.tt/34NYB4X

Ya get it kids? It’s because their corn..

Ya get it kids? It’s because their corn..

https://ift.tt/2DzEegH

Instagram is a goldmine for these things

Instagram is a goldmine for these things

It bears repeating

It bears repeating

https://ift.tt/3975Sj8

a not so terrible boomer humor comic

a not so terrible boomer humor comic

https://ift.tt/3bm0CZO

Went to the zoo yesterday with my family and saw a baguette in a cage

The zookeeper said it was bread in captivity

On r/dankmemes

On r/dankmemes

All other sports are pointless

All other sports are pointless

To the two criminals that stole my calendar:

I hope you both get six months.

Three charges of first-degree murder

Three charges of first-degree murder

What has two thumbs and 100k karma on their cake day?

Not me.

Sorry not science but important

Sorry not science but important

https://ift.tt/2NxJTd5

He nearly got away with it….

He nearly got away with it….

Got eem

Got eem

https://ift.tt/2NKHFqM

Who’s Santa’s favorite singer?

Elf-is Presley.

Got eeemmmm

Got eeemmmm

https://ift.tt/2wcQHXv

Found a wholesome edit and it made me smile

Found a wholesome edit and it made me smile

https://ift.tt/2OLx0v8

It’s just a flu, damn millennials trying to keep me from making my grills on Saturdays with John

It’s just a flu, damn millennials trying to keep me from making my grills on Saturdays with John

https://ift.tt/3aERqQw

Things that make you go hmm.

Things that make you go hmm.

https://ift.tt/2xyZ0xA

Lmao

Lmao

I like my girls how I like my Covid.

19 and easily spread.

The word “diputseromneve” may look ridiculous…

…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…

Now that’s what I call continuous integration

Now that’s what I call continuous integration

https://ift.tt/3hy2S4n

After my memory loss, I couldn’t remember the other word for ‘couch’.

I've been having a hard time recalling it sofa.

Isn’t it supposed to be Democrats that want everything for free?

Isn’t it supposed to be Democrats that want everything for free?

https://ift.tt/33NX1QK

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!

Me: What’s the wifi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. Me: Okay, I'll have a coke. Bartender: Is Pepsi okay? Me: Sure. How much is that? Bartender: $3. Me: There you go. So what's the wifi password? Bartender: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

RIP Sam Llyod

RIP Sam Llyod

https://ift.tt/2Ys6cXs

I regret not bringing my laptop to school

I regret not bringing my laptop to school

https://ift.tt/38METJ6

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, she expressed her thanks, and he yelled a final "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a!" and rode off. "Why was that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "I don't know. I just rode behind him on the horse with my arms around his waist and holding onto the saddle horn so that I wouldn't fall off," the woman answered. "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Oslo, Norway. Also, Norway.

Oslo, Norway. Also, Norway.

Billie doesnt know how to capitalize sentences.

Billie doesnt know how to capitalize sentences.

Whoever did this is a freaking genius!

Whoever did this is a freaking genius!

https://ift.tt/2WiS9CC

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter explained, “You died in your sleep, Bob.” Bob was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back and that is as a chicken." Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past, "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad." replied Bob the hen. "But I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating." explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?!" "Never!" said Bob. "Well, just relax and let it happen." says the rooster. "It's no big deal." Bob did and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg — his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, "BOB!! Wake up!! You've shit the bed!"

This is genius

This is genius

https://ift.tt/2UjebUc

Fuck you drunk me, fucking asshole

Fuck you drunk me, fucking asshole

I bumped into an old school friend today.

He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car. Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?" I said, "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend." He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?" I said, "No, she's a fucking optician.”

When you don’t want your project to look like it has pre-programmed answers because it works so fast

When you don’t want your project to look like it has pre-programmed answers because it works so fast

https://ift.tt/2Ttxrg7

The only true option

The only true option

https://ift.tt/37hNylQ

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

It's because I haven't seen him in 15 years.

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees the man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of her car and asks the man what's wrong. "I feel terrible," he explains,"I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight. The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit!?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says… Hair Spray — Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.

Proving once again that religion is used for controlling and nothing else

Proving once again that religion is used for controlling and nothing else

https://ift.tt/32wkwMW

Not ruined by caption per se, but still…

Not ruined by caption per se, but still…

A guy named Danny walks into a bar…

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”

It hurts

It hurts

https://ift.tt/2K7WYr2

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday. Edit: Wow. Down voted on my actual 32nd birthday. So cruel.

I propose a new meme season

I propose a new meme season

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I’m writing.

I just felt the need to spice up my autobiography.

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