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Oh dad!
https://ift.tt/2M1XqsC
I called the doctor, āMy Wife is going into labor! What should I do?ā
āIs this her first child?ā He asks. āNo this is her Husband.ā
What do you call an ugly dinosaur?
An eyesaur
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I suggested to my wife that we make some Indian bread for a group dinner appetizer.
It was a total naan starter.
During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.
I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.
Some things go without saying:
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It was 10 years ago today that my best buddy Dave came running out of the room shouting ā itās a boy!ā with tears tears streaming down his face….
….We never went back to Thailand since!
I’m so excited to finally get a dad bod
It's the first time I've ever had a father figure
Why can’t humans hear a dog whistle?
Because dogs can't whistle!
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community…
If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy! Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!" Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won. "I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"
A woman is sitting at her deceased husbandās funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, āDo you mind if I say a word?ā.
āNo, go right ahead.ā the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat, says āplethoraā, and sits back down. āThanksā, the woman says, āthat means a lot.ā
I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith…
As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.
I want to tell a joke about Nearly-Headless Nick.
But I'm afraid I won't execute it properly.
I donāt have a dad body
I have a father figure
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
What do you call an emo accapello group?
Self Harmony
What do you call half of a Russian tree?
āDemi-treeā
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
I donāt often tell dad jokes.
But when i do, he usually laughs
The person who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2Ā² to say it.
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Today I had someone knock on my door asking for small donations towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water
How does moses make his coffee
Hebrews it
I don’t like people that take drugs.
Airport security, for example.
My credit card company must be really proud of me
They keep telling me I have an outstanding balance
I like my women how I like my Corona viruses
Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger
Then it hit me
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
Iāve created a new word
Plagiarism (thanks to my 11 year old for that one!)
