The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.” “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?” The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.” Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.” The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.” Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops. Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.” The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.” The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. “Are you OK?” the auditor asks. “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
I heard a report about a bad outbreak of the tummy bug, apparently 9 out of 10 people there suffered from diarrhea.
I can’t stop thinking about that tenth person who apparently enjoyed it.
It’s always the centre of a tension.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
So I packed my stuff and right.
So I packed my stuff and right.
That's Crossing the Border
Because he was fingering minors.
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
So they can Scandinavian
Because only thyme will tell.
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.
I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.
The stock market.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Oh sorry, Havarti told you this one?
A third-grade class is on a field trip to the museum when they come across a mummy exhibit. The display has a sign in front saying, “2982 BC.”
One of the kids asks his friend, “What do you suppose that means?” His friend thinks for a few seconds, then concludes, “It must be the license plate number of the car that hit him.”
On the other hand, everything is OK
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
The decision was a piece of cake.
I have a friend who was born on May 7th. Every year for his birthday I re-gift him a pristine 3 foot long fence pole. He hates it, but I have a perfect record.
It might be stupid, but it's a perfect 5/7, wood repost again.
A boy in Brooklyn is outside of a candy shop shoveling candy in his mouth. A man approaches the boy and says, “Don’t eat candy, kid. It’s not good for you.”
The boy replied, "My grandfather lived until he was 97." "Really," said the man. "Did he eat a lot of candy, too?" The boy replied, "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
In case I got a hole in one
Do. Do hash. Do hash browns. Do hash browns sound good. Do hash browns sound good.
Smiling, I replied, “Tiny!" My kid laughed and asked, “What an odd name, why do you call him Tiny?” I explained, “Because…he’s my newt!"
Because attachments are forbidden
A shitty joke.
"2 or 3" she replied. That probably explains why her marriage failed.
That would be one stone, gold motherfucker
No wait, she’s back She just went to make a cup of coffee
Wife-Can you be serious for a minute? Me-*grins* Ok and you be Shirley Wife-I'm serious! Me-Shirley you can't be Serious, I'm Serious This actually happened. 🙂
Fruit of the tomb
A nickeless cage.