I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings…
I have a complex complex complex…
This German shepherd comes and takes a shit on my lawn every day.
Yesterday, he brought his dog along.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A hippo is very heavy and a Zippo is a little lighter.
As a child, I was abused by mimes.
They did unspeakable things to me.
I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, “I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, “The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?
He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
There is a new reality show where flat earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.
They will be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.
Wife: I have to tell you something.. I’m pregnant
Dad: Hi pregnant, I'm dad Wife: No you arent
Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.
Neil before me.
When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil…
Then you’ll get a, “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis!"
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD…
How bad is it you ask? So bad, THAT…. My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail. CEO's are now playing miniature golf. Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen. I saw a Mormon with only one wife. McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer. Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America. Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names. A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico. A picture is now only worth 200 words. When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room. The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates. And, finally… I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Afghanistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck!
My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary.
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
What do you call a Chameleon who can’t change colours?
A reptile dysfunction!
I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
How do you sneak up on celery?
You stalk it.
My friend claims he can print a gun in using his 3D printer…
But I'm not impressed, I've had a canon printer for ages.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
What do you call the sweat created from sex in Alabama?
Relative humidity.
I’m not going to bed tonight.
Hopefully I won't get locked up for resisting a rest.
If you’ve never tried blindfolded archery, let me tell you…
You don’t know what you’re missing.
Why is japan the healthiest country in the world?
Because the last time they had a fat man 80,000 people died
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Whats the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, the other is a hardware standard.
This is the time of the year when I get really annoyed when everyone writes “X” instead of “Christ.”
I calm myself down by playing my Christ Box 360.
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 8,008 trees…
…and I've got the logs to prove it!
My wife hates it when I mess with her red wine.
I added some fruit and orange juice—now she’s sangria than ever.
Did you know
You can hear the blood in your veins. If you listen… varicosely
What color is a window?
Well, the answer's pretty clear…
I’m reading a horror book written in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
I saw a sign that said “Rest area 25 miles”…
I thought,wow, that's pretty big
A Muslim guy just walked into my store and bought a bunch of fog machines. So I called the cops.
He must belong to an extreme mist organization.
Frustrated by a world of moral decay, a man decided that he wanted a pure, innocent woman for his wife.
So he went to church in the hope of finding someone who had not been corrupted by modern society. After two weeks, he met a charming girl and took her back to his place for the ultimate test. Whipping out his manhood, he asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she replied. Disappointed by her vulgar response, he decided she was not the girl for him. Two weeks later he met another fine upstanding church girl and resolved to put her to the same test. So when he took her home, he whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ ‘A cock,’ she answered. Deeply dejected, he concluded that she, too, failed to meet his requirements. Two weeks later, he met another sweet girl and invited her home. He whipped out his manhood and asked her: ‘What’s this?’ She giggled and said: ‘A pee-pee.’ That was exactly the sort of innocent answer he was looking for, and the pair began dating. Soon they married and settled down to enjoy their life together. But whenever she saw him naked, she giggled and said: ‘That’s your pee-pee.’ Whilst he found it endearing at first, it eventually began to grate a little, so he thought he ought to correct her. ‘Look,’ he explained, ‘this is not a pee-pee, it’s a cock.’ She laughed and said: ‘No, it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.’