Relatable
I think my wife is secretly putting glue on my antique weapon collection.
She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns.
Dad jokes are important
They are a big part of pop culture
I want to share a Russian pun with you all
but if no one likes it and it gets down-voted then so-v-iet
before my surgery my anaesthesiologist offered to knock me out with either gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether / oar situation.
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it
Where are all these great dad jokes stored?
The dadabase
Why was 11am afraid of 12am?
It hated the dark.
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
I just got fired from my job as a taxi driver…
Turns out people don’t like it when you go the extra mile for them.
Why haven’t aliens come to our solar system?
They checked our reviews. One star.
What do you call cows that have a sense of humor?
Laughing stock
My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction
So I packed up my stuff and right.
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
I got thrown out of math class today.
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
There are two types of people. People who need closure
No text found
A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: "Efficient."
I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.
![[NSFW] religious boomer humor](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/hujfv3di81r41-400x578.jpg)
What do you call a mute bodyguard?
A silent knight.
I think I suffer from Kleptomania
I should probably take something for it. Edit: thanks for the gold kind stranger
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.
My wife sent me a text message only reading “EARTH”
It meant the world to me
Donald Trump meets the Queen…
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?" "Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?" Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, your majesty?" The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," says the Queen. Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence. "Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one." Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes General McMasters' shoes in the next stall. Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it? General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster." Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
When nurses and doctors are having to reuse ppe but fascism is more important
https://ift.tt/2A9kuSX
What makes a good pizza joke?
It’s all in the delivery
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are seeing a marriage counselor… counselor ask’s Mickey, “let me get this straight – you want a divorce because you say Minnie is silly?”
To which Mickey responds “no, I said she was FUCKING GOOFY”
What did the casket say to the other casket?
Is that you coffin?
It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it…
She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her…
Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating?
Because they have no body to go with.
“Congratulations to drugs, who for another year in a row, has won the war on drugs”
https://ift.tt/35dOdVi
