relatable
Footage of trump preparing for rally
https://ift.tt/3dmaDqK
I dialed a suicide hotline in Iraq
They got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck
What’s Usain Bolt’s favourite remote button?
Fast forward
If you stand by the sea…
…it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
She keeps running away from the ball.
Why don’t vegetarians moan during sex?
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I would stay away from the Soviet Union
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?
DAD: What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? SON: Envelope.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a customer with her barcode reader for being rude.
The look on his face was priceless.
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.
I said “Don’t worry we’ll all be in the same boat”
As a punishment I made my son read part of the dictionary.
He learned next to nothing.
Wife: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
Me: sipping toast Why?
I thought it was impossible to get injured while masturbating…
But I think I've pulled it off.
I hear it’s easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods
It's more difficult to deter gents though
A sheep, a drum and a snake fell down a cliff
Bah-dum tssssssss
Everyday I tell the wife I’m gonna do a few miles around the neighborhood for exercise. And I never do lol.
It’s a running joke I have
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
What do you call a $1000 door?
A grand entrance
I didn’t think vodka could help my problems
But it was worth a shot
Why are monks so good at protesting?
The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance…
Why did Waldo wear stripes?
Cause he didn't want to be spotted!
My dad used to say “when one door closes another one opens”
He's a great man… Rubbish cabinet maker though.