Relatable
“I can’t ever see you again. I won’t let you hurt me like this again. Abuse is never OK.”
Trainer: It was one sit up. You did one sit up.
If I had $5 for every woman that found me unattractive
Pretty soon they'd all find me attractive
Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears…
11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
Tech summits: the one time the men’s bathroom line exceeds the women’s ( @ silicon slopes)
https://ift.tt/31dtPSO
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
What do chemists do with the dead?
They Barium
My kid asked today where I learned to make ice-cream
I answered 'in sundae school', he laugh-snorted, my wife gave me the look we all know here.
A young artist exhibits his work for the first time…
… and a well known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, " says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic The artist replies, "I know, but tell me anyway."
What do you call a coughing dinosaur?
A Bronchosaurus!
![[Legit] What food did you hate as a kid?](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2018/09/0n6h41pgyeo11-400x81.jpg)
I keep asking people what LGBTQ+ stands for,
But I can never get a straight answer.
Life is like a dick
it gets hard for no reason and it's much shorter than you expected it to be.
I used to know a guy who did circumcisions
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 acting like an idiot?
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
Why are librarians so fast?
Because they know how to book it.
When you think of 2020, what’s the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
Are you today’s date?
Because you're 10/10.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
me: No, I kinda just lie there. wife: THIS- [takes off doctor costume] this is why we never role play anymore!
I can’t believe that even after 15 years, I would still hear people making “Friends” references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why can’t you trust an atom?
Because they make up literally everything.
Why did Karen press control alt delete?
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
![….yep [OC]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/5rnyflkg09q41-1-400x413.png)
I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery…
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
If a blind girl says you have a big penis.
She’s probably just pulling your leg.
A university student wanted to sit next to his professor at break time.
However, the teacher regarded the student with a haughty face and said: “A dove should not be friends with a donkey.” “Then I shall fly on” the student replied with a cheeky smile. The teacher was clearly annoyed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to fail the student in his exams. In the oral exam, he gave the student the hardest questions, but the student had incredible answers for everything. Therefore, hoping he could still fail his victim, the teacher asked him a trickier question: “You’re walking on a road and you find two bags. One contains gold, the other cleverness. Which bag do you choose?” “The gold.” “I don’t agree. I would choose cleverness, because that’s more important than money.” “Everyone would choose what they don’t have” says the student. The teacher turns red, and he is so outraged he writes “ass” on the student’s paper. The student leaves without looking at the paper. However, he returns shortly, gives back his paper and says: “Excuse me sir, you did sign my paper, but you forgot to give my grade!”
Invisible Man Job Offer
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn't see himself doing it.
My wife claims that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met.
I’m not buying it.
Dad: Son, you’re adopted.
Son: Oh wow I wonder who my real parents are. Dad: We are your real parents, your adopted parents are coming to pick you up.
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.”
Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.” Not to be outdone, I said, “I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand.” She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, “That's where they held the auction.”
It was a difficult conversation telling my son to call me dad instead of mom now
But I wanted to be transparent.
You know what jokes are trendy these days ?
Inside jokes.
A man with authority walks into a bar..
He orders everyone a round.
A guy starts at a new job.
On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him." So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?" The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her." The boss says, "You screw your sister?" The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that says “make my horse laugh and win $500”
So the guy has a couple drinks and asks about the sign. Bartender says the horse is in the back. So the guy goes back there and pretty soon the horse is laughing uproariously. Guy collects his $500 and leaves. When he comes back next week, the sign has been replaced by one that says “make my horse stop laughing and win $500”. So the guy once again goes to the back and pretty soon the laughter is replaced by sobbing. The bartender says I’ll give you the $500 but you have to tell me how you did it. So the guy explains that the first week he told the horse “my dick is bigger than yours”. The bartender asks “so what did you tell him just now?” “Nothing, I proved it”.
I always take an extra pair of socks when I go golfing
In case I get a hole in one
Am I only the only one who thinks this “meme” is BS? Like ywd she be a class.
https://ift.tt/3esMeRl
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
My wife was disappointed when she found out why my friends call me “The Love Machine”.
Because I suck at tennis.
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
