A blonde, a brunette and a red-headed mother are talking about their daughters.
The brunette tells them, "I found cigarettes in my daughter's room, I can't believe she smokes! " The red head said, "I know, I found some beer in my daughter's room. I couldn't believe it! " The blonde says "That's nothing! I found condoms in my daughter's room. I never knew she had a penis! "
My job is to drill holes in things and then bolt them together.
At first it's boring, but later on, it's riveting!
The urge to sing the lion sleeps to night is just
A whim away a whim away a whim away
A cemetery is a terrible setting for a convincing horror story.
Too many plot holes.
I have a lot of jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work
Remember crying as a kid and your parents told you ‘I’ll give you something to cry about!’
and you expected a beating but instead they just ruined the housing market?
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
I went to the zoo today and saw some toast in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
A teenager is trying to decide where to go to college.
He's stuck at a crossroads between three schools – Harvard, Hampden-Sydney, and Alabama. To try and get some guidance, he asks his father, "Well, what are my chances of getting laid at Harvard?" "Oh, not good at all," his father says. "They're too focused on studying and working to have any fun at all." "What about Hampden-Sydney?" "Well, it's an all guys school, so unless you're into that, I wouldn't be too confident." "Well, Alabama has to have something, right?" "Alabama!" the father says with a chuckle. "Well, at Alabama, I'd say your chances of getting laid are pretty relative!"
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar.
Two male deer walk out of a gay bar…
One says to the other "I can't believe I just blew 20 bucks!"
Our front door was locked, so I tried to force it open.
My wife said, “You are not a Jedi, just use the goddamn key.”
What’s green?
What's green and has wheels? Grass.. I was lying about the wheels
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
I once swallowed a whole dictionary.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
If male cows ate one another instead of hay…
It would be appropriate to serve meals to them as "Can-a-bull."
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
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A guy named Danny walks into a bar…
A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.” A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been with many men who’ve told me terrible things, try me.” So Danny tells her and she slaps him across the face so hard his cheek turns beet red. The bartender saw the whole thing and asks Danny what happened, and Danny said, “I told her what I needed to forget.” Naturally, the bartender asks what it is he needs to forget. “I’ll tell you, but, trust me, you’ll get pissed.” “Boy, I’ve been bartending for 25 years, heard about regrets, death, war stories, ain’t nothin gonna faze me.” So Danny tells the bartender, and the bartender flips his shit and screams at Danny to get outta the bar. Outside, Danny hails a cab to get home. Once inside, the Cabbie says, “Jeez you look terrible, what happened?” “I told people what I’m trying to forget.” “Well, what’d you tell em?” “You’ll get mad if I tell ya.” “Sir, if I’m honest, I was a veteran, I’ve had my own brothers die in my arms, tell me what you have.” “Alright but you gotta take me home first so you don’t throw me out of the cab.” Intrigued, the cabbie takes Danny home first. The Cabbie pulled up to Danny’s home, turns around, and says “Alright, spill the beans, I’m dyin to hear this.” “Fine, fine, but I gotta ask you something first: When’s the last time you lost The Game?”
Three vampires walk into a bar
Bartender asks "What can I get ya?" The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary." Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks." On the third's turn he orders "Hot water." Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?" To which the third vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and answers, "I'm just going to make some tea."
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.
Son: “Do you want the wooden one or the plastic one?”
Dad: *Getting into row boat* "either oar"
Why did the blond put lipstick on her fourhead?
Because she wanted to make her mind.
Does this counts as “when pigs fly”? ’cause if it does I may have a hot date tonight.
https://ift.tt/2Vi1kCo
Why do dragons sleep at day time?
So they can fight knights.
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
Mum said I would never be able to make a bicycle out of spaghetti
Well I did, and you should’ve seen her face when I rode pasta
How do you cut the ocean in half?… you use a sea saw
You use a sea saw!
What do you call a liquified bread drink
Carbo-Hydrate
I owned a pencil
Which was owned by William Shakespeare Since he chewed it now I can't say if it is 2B or not 2B
Recently I bumped into the guy that sold me an antique globe.
It’s a small world.
How many battered wives does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They just keep putting the broken one back in because it promised things would be different this time.