Relativistic mass
A woman in her forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift.
The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the top of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new face lift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant. After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems: "I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her closely and said," Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She said, "Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.
The boiled water died
It shall me mist
My girlfriend broke up with me so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back to me.
I probably made over 5 forms that were just front end and had no function whatsoever
https://ift.tt/2YsLYv4
Authorities have been trying to figure out how the Worcestershire sauce truck spilled…
But it's hard to say…
My dad’s so cheap
That when he dies he'll walk toward the light and switch it off.
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
All of my friends have such expansive bucket lists, but mine…
…is just a little pail in comparison.
Wife: “I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?” Husband: …
"You have perfect eyesight."
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
What do you call a crocodile that is a detective?
An investi-gator
You have $400, your daughter text she needs $200, and your son text he needs $150. How much do you have left?
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages.
Sharing one of the best Facebook pages for Computer Science memes.
Hi everyone,Please visit https://ift.tt/2Kh2Yho to check out some of the funniest memes on Computer Science. Also, do share the memes you want to get posted here (with credits given of course).
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
What is Yoda’s last name?
Layheehoo!
When I was younger, I lived in a houseboat and started to date the girl next door.
Unfortunately we soon drifted apart.
Steve jobs would have been a better president than Donald Trump.
But it's a silly comparison really, it's like comparing apples to oranges.
I asked my wife if I’m the only one she’s been with.
She said, “Yes, the other ones were at least sevens or eights”.
I did not know what to wear to my premature ejaculation club meeting
So I just came in my pants
One Jamaican walks up to another Jamaican in the park.
'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?' The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'
A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away… Wait a sec, only 21 years ago, in the USA.
https://ift.tt/348RRPF
A military commander calls his soldiers and says: “the first one of you that gets rid of the mole in my garden will get a promotion!”
One of the soldiers goes in and catches it. "So now what do I do with it, sir?" Asks the soldier to the commander. "Oh well…" said the commander, considering many options : "That mole made a hell of a mess in my garden… so please, punish it with the worst thing you can think of". So the soldier goes in the back of the garden, and after a few hours comes back. "So… what did you do to the mole?" Asked the commander. "Ohoh! Commander!" The soldier laughed: "I did the most horrible thing ever! Try to take a guess!" "Did you… cut it in pieces while it was still conscious?" "Even worse!" "Hmm… did you throw him to the rabid dogs?" "Even worse!" "Oh my god! What the hell did you do to that mole?!" "I buried it alive!"
I will always remember the words my grandpa said right before he kicked the bucket.
"I wonder how far I can kick this bucket?"
I got a job working in a hayfield…
After one day, I bailed…
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
Are you a chiral carbon?
‘Cause I share a unique bond with you!
My 10 month old son is learning to wave.
At dinner I asked him where the light was so he pointed at it. I told him to wave hello to the light and luckily he did. I then looked my wife dead in the eye and told her that was the hi-light of his day.
