Relativistic mass
Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, and Gandalf walk into a bar
Gimli and the Hobbits are short and walk under it.
Bold to assume
to assume
Why did the blind person fall into the well?
They didn’t see that well.
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
I once made a belt out of $50 bills
It was a waist of money
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
You can tell I’m a dad based on my jokes.
I guess that makes me a groan man.
My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses.
She drinks right out of the bottle.
Son: Dad, did you know that 1 out of 5 children in the world still face hunger?
Dad: Why isn’t anybody turning the 5th kid around?
If a Tesla got stolen…
Would it then be called an Edison?
When the kids came back from recess, the teacher announced a pop spelling quiz…
"Pop spelling quiz, class!" She said, and called on little Johnny. "What did you do during recess, Johnny?" Asked the teacher. Johnny replied "I played in the sandbox with Suzy and Leroy" "Ok, spell 'sand' and you will get a cookie!" Says the teacher. Johnny spells it correctly and gets his cookie. "And what did you do on recess, Suzy?" Suzy replied that she played in the sandbox with Johnny and Leroy. "Spell 'box' and you will get a cookie." Says the teacher. Suzy correctly spelled box and got her cookie. "Leroy, what did you do during recess?" The teacher asked. He replied, with tears in his eyes "Well, I tried to play in the sandbox with Johnny and Suzy, but they just threw rocks at me and called me a N$%%ER!" The teacher looked at Leroy and said "Well my goodness! That sounds like blatant racial discrimination!" "So, Leroy, spell 'blatant racial discrimination' and you'll get a cookie!"
Nobody’s heard from the Zamboni drivers since the NHL cancelled their season.
I'm sure they'll resurface at some point.
I lent a girl an umbrella yesterday
Which takes the total number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Petition to get SpaceX to send a Flat Earther into Space
http://chng.it/BDBrQHFJrk
If your ever get locked outside of your house just talk to your door lock.
Because communication is key.
My doctor told me I had Type-A blood…
sadly it was a Type-O
If I had a Delorean…
I would probably only drive it from time to time.
A farmer isn’t just good at his job…
He’s out standing in his field. Edit: Wow, my first ever silver! Thanks guys.
What’s the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like The Flintstones but those in Abu Dhabi do.
How does a meteorologist go up a mountain?
They climate.
Dont get mad at lazy people
They didn't do anything.
What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said
Y'know, one would have been enough.
What do you get if you cross a sheep dog with a daisy?
A Collie-flower!
How do you make the number one disappear?
Just add a G and it’s gone
My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction
So I packed my stuff up and right
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
How do you measure a red hot chili pepper?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh, now.
6:30 is the best time on a clock.
Hands down.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work