Relief from the pain!
“Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?”
Waitress: slaps me right across the face "The men I please are none of your damn business!"
Before my surgery my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle
It was an ether/oar situation
Orion’s Belt, what a waist of space.
Terrible joke, only 3 stars.
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knee to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.
My child keeps saying small groups of words together
Should I be worried, or is it just a phrase?
My wife just joined an activist group called DAM
Mothers Against Dyslexia
Engineer and Anti-vaxxer come to the bridge
Anti-vaxxer says to the engineer: Is it safe to cross the bridge? Engineer: It is 99,97% safe to cross that bridge. Anti-vaxxer: I'd rather swim.
I took my mom to the computer hardware repair store.
It didn't take much time to make my mother bored.
I had a pun about insanity
but then I lost it.
What do you call Batman who skips church?
Christian Bale
A drill sergeant is yelling at private.
“Son, I bet you can’t wait for me to die so you can piss on my grave!” The private emphatically replies, “No sir! Once I get out of the army I’m never gonna stand in line again. “
During my prostate exam, my doctor told me it’s perfectly normal to become aroused and even ejaculate.
That being said, I still wish he hadn’t.
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."
Forget everything you learned in college…
You won't need it working here.' 'But I never went to college.' 'Well then, I'm sorry. You are underqualified to work here.'
What’s it called when a hooker farts?
A prosti-toot
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection…
Except the movie Up. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I once threw a quarter into the San Andreas…
I have always wanted to be generous to a fault.
A lot of things are going to change since I got my girlfriend pregnant.
Including my name, address and phone number.
Sergeant: “Smith! I didn’t see you at camouflage practice today!”
Private Smith: “Thank you, Sir!”
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Can a ninja throw stars?
Shurikan
Why did the Corona Virus cross the street?
To help seniors get to the other side
My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing.
We went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy, wants to be a web designer.