Religion + Minion.jpg
Hahaha specific dietary needs bad
Smh my head 🤦🏻♂️
All the animals came to the Ark together. Even the insects came in pairs.
Except the worms, they came in apples.
A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.
As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"
Happy Valentine’s Day
me being an idiot
Fastest way to annoy a Trump fan is to quote Trump.
Everybody is shocked….
When they realize I’m not an electrician.
All Nobel laureates in Physics in History (1901-2019)
Reddit culture is leaking on Godaddy Support
A sad image from outside a bar downtown El Paso, TX
Not the toilet paper!!!!
A guy walks into a library…
A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?" The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet." The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."
Does anyone else knock on the fridge before opening the door?
You never know if there may be a salad dressing.
I just don’t get it
What do you call a hipster’s wife?
Why did the man fall in the well?
He couldn’t see that well
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar.
Cucumber, pickel and a penis meet at a bar. The cucumber says, man my life really sucks! Whenever I get big, fat and juciy, someones going to cut me up and put me in a salad! The pickel says, you think you have it bad, when I got big, fat and juicy, someone poured vinegar and spices on me and threw me in a jar! The penis glaired at both of them and said, you assholes think you have it bad? Whenever I get big fat and juicy someone puts a rubber trap over my head, sticks me in a dark room and bangs my head against the wall until I throw up and pass out!!
DO WE HAVE A FLAVOR CALLED “CUP OF COFFEE”?
Back in the day…
Found this gem at Barnes & Nobles
A sweet, little old lady walks into a bar frequented by the baddest biker gang around.
She walks up to the leader, a real mountain of a man, and say she wants to join. He can barely contain his laughter, and decides to have some fun with her before he tells her off. "Do you even own a bike?" he asks. "I do. It's parked right outside." "Do you swear?" "More than a fucking sailor." She says. "Do you drink?" "Like a fish." The leader is surprisingly impressed, and asks one more question. "Well, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?" The old lady thinks for a minute, and then says "No, but I've been swung around by the nipples before."
Quick, someone call 911!
My nurse co-worker just posted this
And farted whenever he wanted
Bet you won’t!!!
Set Reminder For 2030
They say to never go shopping for food when you’re hungry
but it's been a week already and I keep getting hungrier and hungrier.
Won’t someone think about those poor billionares!
Oh now they wanna be pro choice
The Republicans are right
What It Feels Like to Fix a Bug in Production
This guy gonna be the first human to use echolocation
MaGa hats be like
Just say no to “socialism”, dear republicans…
My wife asked me if I thought our kids are spoiled
I told her, "no, I think all kids smell like that."
The most accurate and concise summary of the last 48 hours
Merry Christmas To All You IT Guys and Gals!
Imma going in
I got fired when I asked a customer if he preferred smoking or non smoking.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial".
Two types of people…
How do you top a car?
Tep on the brake, tupid!
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Son: “Mom, Dad, I’m gay.”
Mom: Stares at Dad Dad: Clenches fist Mom: "Don't!" Dad: Sweats Profusely Mom: "…" Dad: "HI GAY, I'M DAD"
What did the seal with a broken arm say to the hungry shark?
Do not comsume if the seal is broken
An ancient mathematical joke
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all. The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. The night before the battle, the knights jousted and cavorted as their squires polished armor, cooked food, and sharpened weapons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires. The night before the battle, the knights cavorted and sharpened their weapons as the squires polished armor and prepared dinner. The third kingdom was very poor, and only sent one elderly knight with his sole squire. The night before the battle, the knight sharpened his weapon, while the squire, using a looped rope, slung a pot high over the fire to cook while he prepared the knight's armor. The next day, the battle began. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much (one should never cavort while sharpening weapons and jousting) and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought. The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious. And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
What did Jesus say after he resurrected on the third day?
“You crossed the wrong guy” I think all the redditors will agree, with this joke, I nailed it Edit: I am a Christian myself and I dont mean to offend anyone, I just thought it was hilarious.
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought “hmm, that’s a little condescending l”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty bodies
What do chess and eating at a restaurant in Australia have in common?
They both end with a check mate
I got gas today for $1.39.
Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.
I want to surprise the bacteria, haha
Happiness ..i cant express 🥺
This MF Spittin
I don’t always tell dad jokes
But when I do he laughs
A lady approaches a priest and shyly tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots but, they only know how to say one thing… they keep saying ‘Hi, we’re hot… do you want to *fuck us*?'”
"That's terrible!" says the priest. "But, I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house tomorrow. I will put them with my two male talking parrots… to whom I've taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible filth, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship the good Lord." So the next day, the lady brings her two female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hot. Do you want to fuck us?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, "put the bible away you idiot, our prayers have been answered!"
Am i the only one who does this
Domestic abuse good, wife bad
If life gives you melons
you might be dyslexic
tRump supporters: “tRump has done nothing wrong.” Also tRump supporters:
Trump is certainly no christian.
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
And it burns
a clorox a day keeps the corona away
Shared by single boomer aunt
I almost got caught stealing a board game today…
But it was a Risk I was willing to take
Did you hear about the Mexican magician?
He said “for my next trick, I will disappear on the count of three. Uno, dos -” but then he vanished without a tres.