religious pun
Three sisters get married, each to another man
The men's now mother in-law decides to test all of them. She decides to take each of them on a walk separately. The mother in-law takes the first guy on a walk. She "accidentally" falls into a deep pond. The man doesn't hesitate, he jumps in and saves her. The next day, the man gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the second guy and again, "accidentally" falls into the same pond. He doesn't hesitate either, and jumps in to save her. The next day, he too gets a notification on his phone that he received 500 dollars, also with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your mother in-law, Sarah She then tests the third guy and again "accidentally" falls into the pond. The guy looks around if anyone can see, decides that no one is watching, and walks away. The next day, he gets a phone notification that he received 500 dollars aswell with the description: "thanks for all you did for me – Your father in-law, James"
What did a pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey!
I just saw the worlds biggest pair of glasses
It was quite the spectacle
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
No text found
Sheepdog: That’s all 50 sheep Shepherd: What? We should have only 47
Sheepdog: I know, I rounded them up
What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water?
It might take me a minute to get hard, I just got laid this morning.
I tried to introduce some new KPIs for my department at work today and everyone was really upset.
Americans really do hate the metric system.
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
Two guys are changing in a locker room, one is putting on lace knickers
"Since when do you wear womens pants?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple, but with extremely limited memory. Just one byte. And then everything crashed.
No matter how popular they get
antibiotics will never go viral.
Your mom is so fat
Your mom is so fat that, a group of people started believing that your mom is actually flat. [EDIT] OMG, thanks for the Platinum Wow, thanks for the support guys
Have you heard of the man who survived the electric chair
I was shocked but he wasn't
Someone stole my Microsoft Office, and they’re going to pay.
You have my word
Elon Musk and Bill Gates should team up to invent a cure for erectile dysfunction,
and name it ElonGates
Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere. Edit: Whoa thanks for the toilet seat.
Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Common sense is like AIDS.
Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.
Wife calls her mother in-law and asks her “If your baby puked and pooped, who should it clean it up?” Mother in-law yells “the mother!”
Wife – "Then come clean up your drunk son!"
A furniture store keeps calling me…
All I wanted was one night stand.
The Shredder
A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly!" said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one more copy."
I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words
Quit shaking the ladder you little bastard!!!
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
[First day as a rookie cop.]
Me: Dispatch, suspect is dancing down Main street, completely nude. Dispatch: Copy that. Me: Well I'll try but I'm not much of a dancer.
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
Did you hear about the steer that ate a stick of dynamite?
It was abominable!
I just found out “AUGGHHH” isn’t a real word
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
distance raptor over time raptor equals…
VELOCIRAPTOR -heehee physics jokes
Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up on it’s own?
it was two-tired