Remains to be seen if glass coffins become popular
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A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.” After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.” The nun said, “I understand completely.” The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!” The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls…. I don’t want to go to Iraq either…
Yesterday I watched a match of women’s volleyball, and 10 minutes into the game there was a wrist injury.
But by tomorrow I should be fine again.
To the man who stole my camouflage jacket in the wheelchair
You can hide but you can’t run
I ordered some wonton soup at a Chinese restaurant, but it seems they misunderstood my order.
So I guess I'm opening up a soup kitchen.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fell off a cliff…
Baa-dum-tssss
What’s the difference between a jeweler and a prison guard?
one watches cells and one sells watches
I didn’t think wearing orthopedic shoes would help me…
I stand corrected.
The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant
Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
I was going to start a bourbon company,
but I heard it's whiskey buisness.
My new girlfriend is so needy…
She keeps making demands like, "Untie me! Tell me who you are!"
Her: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?
Me: That’s a…..novel idea.
What do you call a 1 armed man who does karate?
Partial arts
Which weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
A woman reported one of her coworkers for sexual harassment because he said he liked the way her hair smelled. The HR rep said that it wasn’t sexual harassment.
The woman replied, "But it was the midget".
What did the drummer call his daughters?
Anna 1, Anna 2, Anna 3
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.
Post Malone has canceled his tour.
Does this now make him Postpone Malone?
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
What did the solar panel say to the soul man
SOUL POWER
A husband and his wife were sitting at a table at her 20th high school reunion
She kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink, as he sat alone at a nearby table. The husband asks: “do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed. “He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he started drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and i hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My god!”, says her husband. “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
Why was the poor man selling yeast?
To raise some dough
In 2020 we’re going to have an entire year of bad puns about vision
I can see it clearly.
I was having a bad day so I bought a bottle of vodka,gin and whisky and put them in an elevator and sent them to the top floor. Didn’t have a good reason,
Just needed something to lift my spirits
While Trump goes off the rails about Russians helping Sanders lets not forget.
https://ift.tt/2unJRh4
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
I don’t like people who take drugs…
For example, airport security.
I never believed my friend would steal from his job as a road worker
but then I started to see the signs
What do you call the child of 2 physicists?
The aftermath.
A thrice divorced woman is giving love another try …
Her first love abused her with his fists. The second one ran away. The third one completely failed in bed. But she still feels lonely and doesn't want to stop believing in love, so she posted an ad on a newspaper with her story that she was still available. A few days later, she heard the doorbell ring. She opens up the door, and a man with no arms and no legs showed. He says, "Hi, I saw your ad. I was hoping I could be your new boyfriend." The woman was confused. "What makes you think you're gonna be better than my last 3?" She inquired. "Well," he began. "I have no arms, so I won't abuse you. I have no legs, so I won't abandon or run away from you." "But how are you in bed?" She asked. And his response was, "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
“Father, why is my name ‘Rose’?
"Because just after you were born, a rose petal landed on your head when we were leaving the hospital." "Is that also why my sister's name is 'Daisy'?" "Yes it is." "eherrnnanenhahenrnanehh" "Quiet, Brick"
Why couldn’t the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning?
He was just too far out, man.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam’s nationality.
A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality. The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!" The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman." The Russian said, "Of course Adam only could be Russian. Who else, possessing nothing but a sole apple, and walking with a naked ass, still believed he was in a paradise?"
