Remember, because of synonyms, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned”…
…and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty" are the same sentence.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks
We really need to raise the bar
HELP MY HATS ARE STUCK
MY CAPS LOCKED
A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar…
…and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them. He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.” He then turns to the second priest and says again, “I’m Jesus Christ!” Again, the second priest replies, “No, son, you’re not.” The drunk man finally says, “Follow me, I’ll prove it too you!” Curious, the two priests follow behind him as he walks back into the bar. Immediately upon entering, the bartender takes one look at the man and says, “Jesus Christ, you’re here again?!”
Post Malone just suspended his tour
Guess that makes him postponed Malone
10 Catholic school girls are on a bus when they are hit by train and immediately sent to the pearly gates…
St. Peter awaits them ready to speak to each lady to determine if they are worthy of entering into heaven. He asks the first girl, "So Marie, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Marie says, "Well I once touched the tip with my finger." Peter tells Marie to dip her finger into the pool of holy water before them and then she may enter heaven. Next, "So Christine, have you ever touched a man's genitals?" Christine says, "Well, I once fondled a man with my hand." Peter tells Christine to dip her whole hand into the holy water to enter. Suddenly, there's a commotion coming from the back of the pack of girls, where Agatha is pushing her way up to the front. "Why so eager Agatha?" Agatha responds: "Cause if I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm going to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it!"
My furniture and I are really close
My recliner and I go way back.
A college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.
"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back. "Sony!" yells the blonde girl in the front.
Amazing… she managed to point out her and her father’s amazing ineptitude in one fell swoop.
https://ift.tt/2MvvFYh
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office I will find you
You have my Word
Diarrhea Awareness starts tomorrow.
Runs for 2 days.
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
The rules for religions and penises are the same.
It's okay to have one, and it's okay to be proud of it, but don't whip it out in public and don't shove it down children's throats.
Who would win in a fight. Athletes or Prisoners?
It's hard to say, they have their pros and their cons.
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life….
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
RTX 2080 Ti Owner’s reaction to the reveal of Nvidia RTX 3070 (Featuring Ron Burgundy)!
https://youtu.be/RTrGBKY-1_o
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
How literally every discussion between frontend and backend web devs looks like
https://ift.tt/2siOYhJ
Never have a pillow fight with Death.
Unless you're ready to handle those reaper cushions.
I wondered where my boomerang was after i threw it
and then it hit me
A married man was having an affair with his secretary
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
A little boy came running up to me and pleaded, “Please help! My daddy is in a fight!” I followed him and came across two men fighting, so I asked him, “Which one’s your dad?!”
He shouted, "I don't know! That's what they're fighting about!"
Two Thai girls asked me if I wanted to sleep with them.
They said it would be like winning the lottery. To my horror they were right, we had six matching balls.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.
Surprise, it was an apple, but with very little memory. Just one byte. Then everything crashed.
My wife gave me an ultimatum. It was either her or my addiction to sweets.
The decision was a piece of cake.
Telltale Games will shut down…
Fans will remember that
BREAKING: North Korean Leader in vegetative state following surgery.
They're going to start calling him Kim Jong Un-Responsive
I wish I was taller…
Then I could sleep longer.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
If I throw jam into traffic
Is it now traffic jam
I don’t care that i can’t scrape cheese.
I have grater problems to worry about.
I got fired for wearing a mini-skirt to work
They said the customers complained about my hanging dick