Remember having sex on a regular basis keeps your memory alive!
Hope you all have a great Christmas and wishing you a merry 2014
Oddly specific password creation rules
The Mint family
So today I asked my wife if she knew of any krutches I could borrow for the upcoming office party.
Her: what are you supposed to be dressed up as? Me: a walking dad joke. Her: …? Me: I'd be kind of lame.
Truly wonderful, the mind of a child is
A writer approached me today acting strange and asked me to help him find his back garden…
I think he's lost the plot…
Computer addiction ha ha
My coworker hung up this image today.
I was asked at an interview what my weakness is
I replied "I'm too honest" The interviewer said "I don't consider honesty a weakness" I said "I don't give a fuck what you think"
Did you hear the joke about the dyslexic man?
He walked into a bra…
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Indian judicial system right now.
Out of sight, out of mind
1968 wAs sO mUCh BeTtER, wE ApPReCiATeD oUr tEAcHeRs
Got to love stock photos and wife hate
and clorox is injectable
Detroit: Become Positive
My cross-eyed girlfriend left me.
She was seeing someone else.
Found on twitter
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My pronouns are He/Hee
I got fired just because I wore a mini skirt!
Appearently my boss doesn't want to see my dick.
A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.
While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she sensually asked him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming…that was me."
Why did the sun not go to college?
He already has a million degrees
I’m entering into the world’s tightest hat competition
I hope I can pull it off.
Two Americans were backpacking in Europe
…when a car pulled up next to them. The driver rolled down his window and asked in german:” Where is the nearest petrol diner?” The two Americans, not knowing a fraction of German, stared blankly at the driver. “Sorry, but we have no idea what you are saying.” The driver tried again in French and again was met with blank stares and shakes of the head from the two tourists. Getting frustrated, he tried again in Italian, in Spanish, each time receiving nothing but sheepish smiles from the two of them. Finally, he cursed under his breath and drove away angrily. The first American asked his partner: ” Maybe we should learn a second language.” His partner shrugged and replied:” Why? That dude knew four languages and it didn’t help him.”
Young Virgin Couple
Young Virgin Couple A young virgin couple are finally wed. Each one is nervous about the impending night, but neither are willing to admit or ask each other about it. Wondering what to do first, the young man calls his father. "Pop, what do I do first?" "Get naked and climb into bed," his father replies. So, the young man does as he is advised. The girl is mortified and calls her mama. "Get naked and join him," is the advice from mama, so she complies. After laying there for a few moments, the young man excuses himself and calls his dad again. "Now what do I do?" he asks. His father replies, "Look at her naked body. Then, take the hardest part of your body and put it where she pees!" is the dad's advice. A few moments later, the girl again calls her mama. "What do I do now?" she asks. "Well, what is he doing?" mama asks. "He's in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!"
I put root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Ohh yes, I stored the value in ohdsifb variable. My bad.
There is a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.
The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.
How do we know that atoms are Catholic?
Because they have mass
The Logical Redneck
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asks. The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example." "Do you own a weedeater?" "I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife." "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I can't wait to take that logic class!!" The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck. "No," his friend replied. "Fag."
Standard daily routine
BIG BRAIN QUESTIONS
How do you tell the sex of an ant
Drop it in water. If it’s a girl: girl ant. If it’s a boy …
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
The molecular structure* i meant.
What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?
My korean friend died last week
I met a man named Jim Apple the other day.
He has trouble introducing himself in France.
Y’all need to chill
My friend is trying to convince me to invest in his sword making business.
He makes some really good points.
A prodigy classic.
On a video about the downfall of investigative journalism
It really do be like that
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
We don’t carry snow tires for that
My wife wants to leave me. She says I care more about gambling than I do her or our daughter.
She’s obviously wrong. Why else am I refusing to leave the casino until I win my daughter’s college tuition money back?
NSFW Ive never killed a mountain lion with my bare hands.
But ive choked a few cougars.
ML is life.
Oh god, even my mum has become one
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert. I thought they’d be be gross, but they were actually pretty good…
Turns out that in-prison mint isn't as bad as I expected!
a not so terrible boomer humor comic
i’M sO oPpReSsEd
COVID 19 relief checks
Set Reminder For 2030
I proposed to my ex-wife today
She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money.
No explanation needed
Aha. Now I get it.
Kina want to tell the pediatrician I speak Old English just to see what happens…
New Comic, But Still Got Dat Boomer Style
I was changing a light bulb the other day. Then I crossed the street and walked into a bar.
It was then I realized my life was a joke.
My new car supports the one true date format
Abe and Esther are flying to Australia for a two week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!" Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island. An hour later Abe turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our $5,000 PBS pledge check yet?" "No, sweetheart," she responds. Abe, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our American Express card yet?" "Oh, no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check," she says. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send checks for the Visa and MasterCard this month?" he asks. "Oh, forgive me, Abie," begged Esther. "I didn’t send that one, either." Abe grabs her and gives her the biggest kiss in 40 years. Esther pulls away and asks him, "What was that for?" Abe answers, "They’ll find us!"
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his girlfriend below the jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
Phone bad mom alone
What happens when someone steals uranium?
It becomes theiranium.