Remember money only goes into his pocket not out
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses. oh how the stables have turned.
I asked the guy in the store where is the terminator dvd …
He responded, “Aisle B, Back”
3 in 5 people suffer from anxiety.
If you're one of those people, don't worry.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.
Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight
There would be a mass confusion
My son was crying today because he spilled his scrambled eggs all over his art supplies.
He was having an eggs and stencils crisis.
I’m not saying my wife’s a bad cook,
but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.
When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
Everyone knows it’s not socialism if you’re subsidizing people who own for a living.
https://ift.tt/2WfSFRV
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’
'Of course child. What may I do for you?' ‘Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?' 'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.' 'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.' When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?' 'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?' 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'
A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason…
…details are sketchy.
Why don’t airline pilots get speeding tickets?
Because they are above the law.
During this outbreak, we must follow all directions from the Police
So don't stand so close to me
I tried to flatulate while lying on my back but my balls got in the way
It was a scrotal eclipse of the fart
I accidentally locked myself in a room with nothing but a deck of cards..
I was in solitaire confinement.
Homosexuality is found in over 150 different species, homophobia is only found in two.
We aren't doing enough to exterminate the fag-hating squirrel.
How do mathematicians get rid of constipation?
They work it out with a pencil.
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
There is a good chance you’ll fail your calculus exam if you are sitting between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
A dollar !
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to one of his customers, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters from the barber instead of the dollar bill?” The boy replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game will be over!” 😛 😀
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s how I roll.
The protests in Hong Kong have been continuous for 120 days, proving the country does not belong to China
Because nothing made in China has ever lasted more than a week.
I always confuse claustrophobia and homophobia
Remind me, which is the one about being in the closet?
A married man goes into a confessional and says to his priest..
"I had an affair with a woman… almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say 5 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly runs over to him saying, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in."
My wife didn’t think I’ll give our daughter a silly name.
But I called her Bluff.