Remember to get your eyes checked
Somebody just gave me a free air guitar
No strings attached.
Apparently one in three people cheat.
I wonder if it's my wife or my girlfriend.
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
Why is it tough to tell jokes to kleptomaniacs?
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.
It improved my outlook.
In college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
Apparently you need to be a complete dick.
I invited all my friends over for my thirty second birthday
After half a minute they all went home.
You’ve heard of Alphabet Soup…
… now get ready for Times New Ramen
How is a trans 4-year old like a vegan cat?
We all know who’s making that decision
I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”
I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”
Saw this on a frozen pizza. Both funny and sad that they have to put a warning on it.
https://ift.tt/2PUdfDS
I’m secretly a really cool person, but I can’t let anyone know.
I'm incogneato.
My coworker Jim sits next to another coworker, Collin. One day, Jim replaced the nametag on his cubicle to also say Collin
I asked him, "Jim, your name isn't Collin. What's going on?" He replied, "We're trying to Collin-ize the area." (True story)
Today a girl kissed me…
I wish I could post it in another subreddit
How does a lawyer stop the bleeding?
Attorney-kit.
Why are the Avengers so good with tools?
They’re always assembling
I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flys..
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom..
Damn girl are you a reddit user?
Because you give me the same fucking shit, day after day!
Why do hippies drink herbal tea?
Because property is theft
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Make sure you always tip the people who make your pizza…
They knead the dough.
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
Beethoven’s grave
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Statistics show that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship are cheating…..
I just need to figure out if it's my wife or girlfriend
Why is dark spelt with a K and not a C?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
How to 69
A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is. He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again. Before she can have a third go, her boyfriend gets up and goes to walk out saying “yeah this isn’t really for me, I’m not having 67 more of those in my face”
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
My wife always accuses me of having a favorite child.
It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused…
I guess it was the delivery!
RIP to his back. Looks like he got a tattoo of a bum who lives near a basketball court.
https://ift.tt/2GEHKrF
Have you ever tried eating a clock?
It’s really time-consuming, especially if you go for seconds.
A guy dials his home phone number from work.
A strange woman answers. The guy says, "Who is this?" "This is the maid.", answered the woman. "We don't have a maid!" "I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house." "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" "Ummm…she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband." The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" "What do I have to do?" "I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she's with." The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a couple of gunshots. The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?" "Throw them in the swimming pool!" "What pool?" "Uh.. is this 832-4173?"