Trump, Clinton, Obama, and Bush each ran a mile.
Trump made a time of 11:56 Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31 Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03 But Bush did 9:11
Why don’t they let you wear glasses in football?
Because it's a contact sport.
Why nice guys finish last & Why Abundance Is So important in business, in life and in RELATIONSHIPS!
So just wanted to break down “Why Nice Guys Finish Last” to you guys. The “Nice guy” is AGREEABLE to everything. When you are agreeable to everything you are giving all your power away. You are less likely to lead, you are less likely to be ASSERTIVE and you are less lIKELY to be DOMINANT. The nice Guys Lacks Confidence and power. The number one trait women are attracted too is confidence. In the animal kingdom only the strong survives and gets the mate. Women need a men who provides and protects her and a nice guy just comes off as weak. https://youtu.be/eofqXOi1Fdw
You did, it was a vaccination and that’s why there’s no more smallpox anymore
https://ift.tt/2tvvNSa
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
The shovel was really a ground-breaking invention.
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Mality, Mality, Mality, Mality.
Now that we’ve got the four malities out the way, we can begin.
Jail is more than just a word…
… it's a sentence
The light bulb comes on for a very stable genius with a good brain, probably the best brain
https://ift.tt/2vQx8UT
So this Koala was really into soccer…
It trained and trained, and finally went to try out for the koala national soccer team. And wouldn't you know it? It made the team! It was so excited. But the night before it's first big game… POOF! It turned into a giraffe. It got dis-koala-fied.
You know what tv show predicted Trump’s election?
Orange is the new black.
“Life is like a box of chocolates”
“It doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
And they’re going to use AI to take over the world
Why is a priests favourite number 3.14?
Because they are very pi-ous
My wife told me this in the car the other day. Thought you might enjoy!
Wife: I can't believe they're still together after all that shit. Me: Who? Wife: My butt cheeks.
Yesterday I called the suicide hotline, and they didn’t pick up
Way to leave me hanging guys
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Gotta make it buzzword friendly for the execs. We’re all worker pods anyways.
https://ift.tt/39tROA1
What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.
What do you get if you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
Hot, cross bunnies.
A driving teacher asks his student “There are 2 people standing on the road, your mother and your wife. What do you hit?”
Student: "My wife" DT: "For the 3rd time, you'll hit the brakes!"
Why has a car made of wood never been successful ?
Because it wooden go.
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar…
and are followed by 'Batman!'
The hospital that my son is staying at got the Avengers to visit him.
He’s also going to see Stan Lee next week!
This cancer game is easy
i'm already on stage 4
What does a tree say once it’s spring?
What a releaf!
The son of a rich Saudi sheikh arrives in Germany for his University studies.
He soon writes home to his father. "Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, the people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad I am a little ashamed to be riding to class every day in my 24k gold Ferrari 599GTB when my professors, friends and many fellow students all travel by train. Your son, Ahmed" Promptly, his father writes back. "My Dear son Ahmed, $20 Million has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing our family. Go and get yourself a train too. Love, your dad"
There’s a company that will help you temporarily find memories you’ve lost, for a fee.
Just visit Rent-A-Missing Reminiscing!
A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed.
He tells his wife that after he passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone. “Six months after I pass, I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.” “Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.” “I do,” the man answers.
Heartbreaking
Dallas Morning News – A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and said that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Dallas Cowboys, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.
What “supporting your neighbor looks like” from a distance during COVID-19. #respect
https://ift.tt/2VJtwgx
Why is 6 afraid of 7..
Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
What’s more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee!
My girlfriend asked me when I last had sex with someone that wasn’t her…
“Back in 02” I said, Sounds much better than February.
I saw a man walking down the road with a woman on his back
I said "where are you going?" He replied "Fancy dress party" "What as?" I asked "Tortoise" the man shouted back "Who's she?" I questioned To which he responded "That's Michelle"