Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?
Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow…
Russian technology is a decade ahead of them at the moment.
I shouted, "Even better, I know the whole alphabet!" Everyone laughed… Well, everyone except this one guy.
A wife treats her man by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday… At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hey Johnny, How are You?" The wife asks, "How does he know you? Johnny says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Johnny?" Johnny says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team." Next a stripper Says, "Hi Johnny! Do You Crave the Special Again??" The wife storms out dragging Johnny with her & jumps into a taxi… The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Johnny Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time…."
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say….."nice pants!" He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar. Then he hears….."your hair looks great!" Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears….."I like your tie!" At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?" The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess." The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts". "The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused. "Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender….. "they're complimentary" 🙂
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
So I fell over and grabbed my knee pretending that I was in pain, trying to get the sympathy of my date. Instead she just stood there, cringing. As did everyone else in the reception area…
I like to sit in my own pew. Credit to my 7 year old granddaughter.
"Yes, I watched it all unfold"
They were pirates of the car I be in.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
My Wife: Is it frozen? Me: No, it’s Wreck It Ralph. She’s 19 weeks pregnant, I can feel the dad joke wit rising!
It's much harder to deter gents.
Police: "hi you're the first people today with their seatbelts on, so we want to give you an award of 5000 dollar." The policeman seeing the happy couple gets curious and asks "what are you going to do with the money?" The man answers: "I'm going to take lessons for my driver's license" The woman: " don't listen to him. When he is drunk he says stupid things!" The man on the backseat: "I told you not to ride in a stolen car!" A voice from the trunk: "did we cross the border?"
My credit card number My social security number Uploading a scan of my birth certificate
Because they’re good buoys
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
The first one is always a bit weird, but you can always just eat it when no one is looking.
I had the upper hand
Mass divided by volume
The bartender finally says that the bar is closed. So our man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up but again falls flat on his face. He crawls home. Reaching the door he tries to stand up, and yet again, falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door and up the stairs. When he reaches his bed he summons the last of his strength and tries one final time to stand. It's no use. He tumbles into bed and is soon sound asleep, only to awaken the next morning to the sound of his wife standing over him shouting. 'So… you've been out drinking again!' 'How did you know?' he asks, his head hung in shame. 'The pub called– you left your damn wheelchair down there again!'
Why does Batman wear dark colors? Thats easy, Batman doesent want to get shot. Why does Robin wear bright colors?
Thats easy… Batman doesent want to get shot.
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
Like, get off your pedal-stools.
I had to put my foot down
They both get accepted to heaven. However, they ask St. Peter if they could get married in heaven, as they were already planning their wedding. "Look. Usually, we do not do that here. But since you had a wedding planned already on Earth, I think you could be an exception. But I should let you know, it will take a really long time to sort everything out. Maybe even years." says St. Peter. They do not mind. After five years, they suddenly see St. Peter running towards them, shouting happily from distance: "Everything is sorted out! You two can now marry each other!" They have the wedding, but after some time, the love begins to fade and they realise they are no longer right for each other, so they ask the St. Peter if it is possible to get a divorce in heaven. Peter looks at them and says: "It took FIVE YEARS until even one priest got here. How long do you think you will have to wait for a lawyer?" If this joke has been posted before, sorry.
Me: (enormous, burly fart) Her: My god, that sounds like an animal! Me: Yeah. It was a butt ox.
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An ant eater anteater. What would you call someone against the previously mentioned anteater? An anti ant eater anteater. What would you call someone who eats the previous person? An anti ant eater anteater eater. What if that person is your parents sister? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater. And if a play is made about all of this? Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater. And finally, who is the director of this play? The Auntie anti ant eater anteater eater theater leader.