Remember when we had a President
Why did the turtle retire and move to the south pole?
He couldn't handle any more hare-racing adventures
A man was told by his doctor that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized a solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway.He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
I cooked my friend a steak, perfect medium rare.
He said, I like it well done. I said thanks.
Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, “The end is near!!” Man, I really hate…
…living next to Farmer Geddon!
My grandfather told me that he saw the Titanic. He warned everyone that it would sink but nobody would listen.
He told people a few more times and then he was kicked out of the cinema.
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger
Then it hit me
Why is the letter “C” afraid of the rest of the alphabet?
Because all the other letters are Not-Cs
Thank you student loans for getting me through college.
I don't think I'll ever be able to repay you
I finally got someone to be my valentine!
I wish I could post this in any other sub.
why does my code always look so shitty compared to code written by big companies :c
https://ift.tt/3868Lkj
life is more complex especially when you choose to own and maintain a fancy 2-door car
https://ift.tt/3cXcxyE
I was watching Jurassic park the other day…..
…. when I thought "not only does my son have a really stupid name, he´s also a terrible driver"
Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”
Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!” Teacher : “Okay what else?”
I’m never smoking weed with mexicans again.
I asked who got papers, and they took off running.
I asked 10 people what LGBT stands for
But I never got a straight answer
Why did the hipster drown
He went ice skating on the pond before it was cool.
Whoever coined the phrase “dad-bod” missed a golden opportunity…
Should've called it "the Father-figure"
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty…
My wife refuses to have sex with me until I stop referring to my penis by different nicknames
I guess it’s time to take Matters into my own hands
What do Asian cannibals eat?
Raw men
In Laughter, the L comes first
The rest of the letters come aughter it.
My Grandfather has the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the zoo
Why are priests bad at marathons?
Because they always come in a little behind
When President Trump said he would deliver more jobs than any other president…
I didn't realize he'd do it by constantly hiring replacement White House senior staff.
Whose design makes it look as though they reek of urine and egg farts? This cunts…
https://ift.tt/2wlcxbF
TIL Humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
If the opposite of “pro” is “con”,
Then the opposite of “progress” is “Congress” (Dads can be woke too)
Doctor: Sir, you’ve got a rare disease.
Guy: How rare? Doc: Really rare. Guy: What’s it called? Doc: You choose.
When a girl changes her clothes in front of you, she’s either really interested or you’re level 99 friend-zoned
Or she hasn't spotted you in the tree yet
Teaching my 4yo how to write
What letter is this? "Y" Because I'm asking you! What letter is it?? "Y!" How am I supposed to know if you've learnt it if you don't tell me?? What letter is this?? I look at him. He's looking at me. I can see his brain stuck in a loop he's not sure how to get out of. He sees me starting to crack up and out it comes, the unquestionable evidence of a successful dad joke "Ugh! DAAAAAAAAADDDD"