Reminder: climate change is still real
![[OnutΔ (a name) looks so natural.] [You’re right, when she was alive, she looked like a corpse already]](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/05/kyk6460th3y41-400x479.jpg)
9 months isn’t really that long
It only feels like a maternity
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods
But its harder to deter gents
Xbox was struggling…
but they really turned it around with the 360.
Found at my parents house (translated from German). Kids bad, technology also bad!
https://ift.tt/2DZG1vD
They say donβt go grocery shopping while youβre hungry.
But itβs been a week and I just keep getting hungrier.
Do you suffer from anxiety that an intruder may be hiding in your room?
You're not alone.
I asked SIRI why I was still single.
She turned on the front camera.
I donβt tell dad jokes often
but when I do, he laughs
I asked a midget for a dollar today….
He said "Sorry, I'm a little short"
What’s funnier than hearing a joke once?
Hearing it twice. What's funnier than hearing a joke once? Hearing it twice.
I keep telling myself to quit drugs
Like I'm going to listen to a drug addict
I was wondering why music was coming from my printer?
Apparently the paper was jamming.
Why do norwegians put barcodes on their ships?
So when they dock, they can scandinavian.
Does anyone know if we can start taking showers yet?
Or are we still just washing our hands?
America will never know a finer moment than when this abomination is out of office.
https://ift.tt/2N1G8uS
How do you think the unthinkable?
With an itheberg
Someone should have told him that the virus was trying to get in the country illegally
https://ift.tt/2whauFr
A man goes to the doctor and says, “I’ve got a tapeworm.”
"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it." The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie." The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. "What the hell are you doing?" the man asks. "Trust me," says the doctor. The man, a little distressed, does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and then a couple of minutes later shoves the cookie up as well. "Come back in a week with another banana and cookie." The man is unsure about the treatment but, again, has tried everything else and wants to get rid of this tapeworm. The next week he returns with another banana and cookie. "Drop your pants and bend over the table," says the doctor. After 3 weeks of this the doctor says, "OK, next week will be your final treatment. Bring me a banana and a hammer." The man comes back with the requested items. "Drop your pants and bend over the table." Trembling, knowing what's coming, the man does as he's asked. The doctor shoves the banana up his ass and waits… and waits… and waits… Eventually, the tapeworm sticks its head out and yells, "Where's my cookie?" And the doctor smashes it with the hammer.
What has 50 pairs of eyes but only three teeth?
The front row at a Trump rally.
How do you make a dead baby float?
2 scoops of ice cream 1 scoop of dead baby
How do you say ‘what’s up dawg ‘ in Japanese
Konichihuahua
How do you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
One of them is an elephant.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach. βHaΒΒ! Thatβs not going to help,β she laughed.
βSure, it does.β I said. βItβs the only way I can see the numbers.β
Whoever stole my antidepressants..
I hope you're happy now.
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
As a man, I consider myself a friend and ally to the LGBTQ+ community
I, personally, have helped several women realize they were lesbians.
Boy: Fires handgun at the shooting range…
Dad: "You're holding a shot gun now."
Whatβs the best part about living in Switzerland?
I donβt know, but the flag is a big plus.
Two women were playing golf
The first woman teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skillful massage for several long moments and softly asked 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.
One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives. The left half, more prone to rational thought, spent most of its time in libraries, and got an accounting gig. The right half, more creative, picked up painting, and taught pottery at the local community college. On top of the spectacle of a man split in half, the townsfolk could not believe how rarely they saw both halves of Don at the same place. Indeed, nobody could think of even one occurrence of this happening. Now one day, half a man walks into a bar. The left half of Don, always punctual, walked into the local watering hole at precisely 8:00, and ordered a shot of whisky, which the bartender poured for him. At 8:01, the right half of Don wandered in, sat down, asked for a beer, and nodded to his other half, which nodded back. As the bartender poured him the beer, the left half of Don took his shot, left just enough to cover the bill, and left at precisely 8:02. The bartender was astounded– he was the first person to see the two halves interact since the accident. As it dawned on him how rare this was, the bartender exclaimed, a little louder than he wanted to, "Whole Don here for just one minute!" I will not apologize.
Iβm following my girlfriend to England for the semester.
Iβll be studying a broad.
Pronounciation is important…
The sentence "Use Chemicals to remove the Polish" could mean either a botched Manicure or Hitler's return
