repeat after me…
Due to the Covid-19 Quarantine…..
I’ll only be making inside jokes.
Oldie but still relatable
the People of ProgrammerHumor
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
🦀 🦀 Earth is Doomed 🦀 🦀
My mother used to tell me this joke time and again when I was a child.
A mosquito got old enough to fly on his own, when he came back his mother was happily waiting for him. -"How was your first flight, my dear?" The mother asked. -"Amazing." He answered "Everyone thought I was doing great!" -"Oh yeah? What makes you think that?" -"Well, wherever I went people started clapping!"
Funny because wife = bad
My dad shared this
Did you hear about the guy who made the knock knock jokes?
He won the no bell prize
Don’t be like Donald.
tHe RiCh ShoULd pAy LeSs TaXeS
A sense of ownership
The last three years have been an eternity of hell
My favorite joke: Everyone Knows Dave
Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
Glad I’m not the only one who thinks this whenever I type std
My wife told me that I have two flaws:
I never listen. Something else…
I THINK THAT IS RIGHT
Gets me every time
Why can’t Russia have a female president?
Because Putin is not a woman.
There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring.
One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job. One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died. "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke
should get a no bell prize.
Works for MAGAs. Always.
Father I cannot click the book
This is what my girlfriend has to put up with lol
found this while searching for wine mom memes
Asking for a friend…
Family friendly, short comedy skits. Hope you enjoy!
Democratic Socialism isn’t “free stuff”. It is getting services for your tax dollars.
b B B B B B!!!!!
How do the earth’s tectonic plates greet each other?
They shake! Bwahahahahaha
Why is Beef a bad password
It’s not stroganoff
This is Mike. Don’t be a Mike.
Was just sent this gem by my grandma
Mommy, how are heliums born?
Why was mission control so tense when NASA launched a cow into orbit?
It was a high steaks mission.
A priest and a rabbi go to a remote lake for a swim.
All of a sudden, two buses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbi’s congregation and out of the other pours the priest’s congregation. Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "Rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "In my community, they recognise me by my face."
I’ve seen this someplace before, I can feel it
Don’t get me started about his $14 in Blockbuster late fees.
Why is it that chinese kids don’t believe in santa?
Because they’re the ones making the toys!
So my husband is trying to get hired by an airline…
What’s the difference between light and hard?
I can fall asleep with a light on.
Old MacDonald is up to something. He types out his song “E-I-E-I-o.”
I just can't trust a guy with shift-E-I's.
The Perpetual Victim
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
I went to the doctor and he cloned me without my permission.
I was beside myself.
Jon Stewart in 2015 on Bernie Sanders being called unusual
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other…
“Do you know how to drive this thing?”
The cancer with cancer spreading cancer
When you debate function/variable naming at work
Not just America
found in my government textbook
*eats slowly but surely*
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up
A mailman notices a mailbox with the flag up So, he opens the box and picks up the letter. He glances at it briefly to make sure it is stamped, and then puts it in his bag with his other letters. When he gets back to his office, the letter goes in a big bin with all of the other out-going mail. He thinks nothing of it, and finishes his day. A few days later, he delivers the exact same letter to the same house that he picked it up from. He glances at the mailing address and observes that it is indeed the same as the return address. Anyone can make a mistake, so the mailman puts the letter in the mailbox so that the customer can readdress it for its proper recipient. He thinks nothing of it and finishes his day. The next day, the mailman sees the same mailbox with the flag up. He opens the box and again sees the same letter, nothing changed, but with a new stamp on it. The mailman is perplexed, and thinking to save the customer both time and money, decides to ring the doorbell and inquire about the letter. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, ding-dong. Ding-dong, Ding-dong. The door opens and standing there is a stout Buddhist monk, dressed in traditional garb. “Pardon me, sir,” the mailman says, “but you seem to be trying to mail this letter again, and without any changes to the address, it’s only going to end up back at your home in a few days.” “Ah, my letter. Thank you so much for mailing it the other day, it was greatly appreciated. Please do so again” replies the Buddhist monk. “But sir,” says mailman, “you will only waste a stamp, and this letter will be re-delivered to your home a few days from now.” “But that is my intention, dear man,” replies the Buddhist monk. “You see, reposting is the best way to get karma.”
One of these presidents is not like the other.
Big ram big scary
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye
Turns out she was seeing someone else.
A recent study has found that beer contains female hormones.
A test group of 100 male volunteers each consumed six pints of beer, and the effect was that they all talked endlessly about nothing and couldn't drive for shit.
*sobs in compiler errors*