Repeat the punchline that’ll always work
And there’s notre dame thing they can do about it.
Clearly did a good job, because I didn't care
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
Guess who came crawling back?
I can't express how that makes me feel.
Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
An udder disaster
So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.
She told all her friends I had a small dick. Luckily they all knew she was lying.
It writes other words too.
Because I let them cry on my shoulder.
We are all capable of it, but it takes a deranged individual to actually go through with it.
seemed to be a booby trap.
How do I bury it
We were better than The Cure.
They’re always assembling
Why can’t you just use a sponge?
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Me: Can I take two if I want three?
I am starting to finally understand why navy captains go down with the ship
It was accidental.
He still has the right to remain silent.
Thesaurus: I can give you more than one example.
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
Because 6, 7 8…
I thought, "I can't turn that down."
It’s an inside joke.
I said "No, that's the last thing I want"
…it smells like burnt nose hair?
For my black jeep…
would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Now I use a glass.
Nicked it off some fat ginger prick at the park
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
I don't know where I came
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks. After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."
They're both thinking "Oh crap, mom is gonna kill me."
It’s when I flip your MOM over.
Only 2. But the real question is, how did they get in there?
We had some drinks, cool guy, says he wants to be a web-developer
"Yes, we arson."