*repeats joke* ๐๐๐คฃ๐คฃ
There was this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen". This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, "You have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen." The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, "I don't know what you're laughing about. Your wife fell three times this week."
How warm is a janitor’s closet?
Broom Temperature.
Long time lurker, wanted to share a joke that will turn this subreddit upside down.
สฤฑppวษนqns sฤฑษฅส
I just bought an expensive car, only to find the reverse gear broken…
Thereโs no going back now…
Christmas joke
A 17 year old male walks into a drug store. He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean" Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back: "you know what, the mom is also smoking hot, I think I'll take another pack, just in case I get extra lucky." Christmas eve comes around, the boy sits at the dinner table and doesn't say a word. After a while his girlfriend says: "if I had known you were so quiet, I wouldn't have invited you." the young man replies "if you had told me your dad works at a drug store, I wouldn't have come."
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made love to a woman.
The General replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That long? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and General went back to her apartment and made passionate love for over an hour. Afterwards, the woman cuddled up to the General and said "Well, you sure haven't forgotten anything since 1956…" The General looked at her, confused, and replied "I sure hope not, it's only 2130 now."
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 they'd be called chicken sedans.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!๐
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?
Don't worry, he was just going through a stage.
My book on clocks just arrived.
Itโs about time.
The argument
So a guy calls the front desk of the hotel he's staying at and says, "I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window." The front clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that sounds like a personal issue." And the guy says, "No, it's a maintenance issue. The window won't open."
A child asked his father “Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?”
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
Her: “Undress me with your words.”
Him: "There's a spider in your bra."
I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall…
I thought โhmm, thatโs a little condescending lโ
[NSFW] A man, a dog, and a pig wash up on a deserted island.
They're there for several years, until one day the man gets desperate, takes off his trousers, and tries to mount the pig. The dog, however, starts growling at him and baring its teeth, so he stops. A few weeks later he tries again, but this time the dog bites him on the arm until he stops. Later, a beautiful woman washes up on the beach. The man nurses her back to health and provides her food. One day, she asks if there's anything she can do for him." "Anything?" "Anything." "Well there was one thing." "Oh? What was it?" "Can you take that fucking dog for a walk?"
How did the Himalayan man jump higher than mount Everest?
Well, that's easy. Mountains can't jump.
Whatโs the difference between a dad and a grill?
A grill runs out of gas
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
Our daughter Chewbacca, not so much.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
I have a joke about math.
But Iโm 2ยฒ to say it.
What does a vegan say after meeting someone new?
Nice to meat โ ew!
How does a train eat?
Chew Chew
My bank recently called me to let me know I had an outstanding balance
I replied "Thank you, I used to do gymnastics" and hung up the phone. That was nice of them to say.
What’s the difference between Constipation and Diarrhea?
Constipation is when your body does not give a shit. Diarrhea is when your body cannot get it's shit together.
I got fired from my job because I kept asking my customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-Smoking”.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
What do pigs and ink have in common?
..they both belong in a pen….
