PresidentTrump is completely right about coronavirus treatment.
If you eat chloroquine phosphate, drink a pint of Chlorox, shoot-up rubbing alcohol, shove a flashlight up your ass, and crash on a tanning bed, you will never get Covid-19.
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well…uh…that's because the picture I showed is his side profile." Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?" Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer." The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "the suspect wears contact lenses." The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that." He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?" "That's easy," the third guy replied." He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Credit to Nathan Pyle
What do you call a sleeping Triceratops?
Look at this…
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack….
She hasn't realized it yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Vampire scared of sunlight
This is big brain time…
When the smart kid corrects the teacher about plasma Me:Laughs in Bose Einstein condensate! I don’t even go to school anymore I graduated, why am a making school memes at 3 AM…
Yes, Because Today’s Youth Love It When People Send Them Dick Pics
Did you know Bach was a big time gambler?
It got so bad he went baroque!
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"Did you know that geese kill more humans than sharks each year?" the guy asks the bartender. "Yes, but let's be fair about it," the bartender replies. "It's really hard for a goose to kill a shark."
Gonna Make ‘Em Sweat!
Even in Spanish, I can’t escape it
When you can’t find a 2
Hehe wave go vvvvmmmmm
Ask Reddit be like “If you could have sex with any celebrity, dead or alive, who would it be?”
I'd choose alive. Weirdo.
Gregar Mendel is the true OG
A man answers the door and sees two police officers standing there.
Officer: I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a horrible car accident Husband: But she has a great personality.
This Legendary MAGA Response
The teacher asks how you put 2 holes in 1 hole.
Nobody knows the answer so she puts her index finger and thumb together and places it over her nose. Little Johnny then asks the teacher "How do you put 6 holes in 1 hole?" She says she doesn't know. He says "You put a recorder up your pussy!" The teacher, surprised by this answer yells "Johnny! I do NOT tolerate such language in my class! Also, a recorder has 10 holes! Not 6!" Little Johnny says "Yeah I know but I didn't know you could fit it all the way in!"
Found on facebook
We’re gonna need these.
Mass shooters are always treated better
Stop it, Patrick
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Shop Worker: No, I think its aluminium Me: So there's no nickel in this cage? PSW: Don't do it Me: It's a nickeless cage PSW: LEAVE!
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Posted a similar one earlier but I think it’s funny aswell
Adhering to the Bro Code
Get well soon buddy
Today I was awakened with oral sex
.It is dangerous to sleep with your mouth open on the subway.
What’s green and doesn’t weigh much?
Having an algorithm O(n^2)
What did the grape say when it got crushed?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
I don’t think it’s going well for the calendar
Its days are numbered.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
And here I thogit I was twisted
The Furniture store kept calling me.
All I wanted was one night stand.
Oh its such a glorious feeling
How do you tell the sex of an ant?
You drop it in water. If it sinks: girl ant. If it floats…
An interesting title
Mom’s fridge is a goldmine
Python3 Has Been Out for 12 Years – It’s About Time
Where my pirate bois at
they won’t have a chance
Fresh from Facebook
He’s got a point…
If I dont perfect human cloning..
I won't be able to live with myself.
Tell, don’t show
If any one on this sub is thinking of getting married soon, please consider this carefully
On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don't.
The extreme right hate it when a woman proves them wrong!
My stepdad shared this one
My piano teacher is the last person you would expect to show this to her students
Those women HAH… they suck at golf
Boomer Cat doesn’t need new-fangled technology
An interesting title
How was Rome split in two?
With a pair of Ceasars.
Boomer Christmas Humor
SyntaxError: invalid brrrrr
A man decides to buy a parrot
A man walks into a pet shop, goes to the clerk and states that he would like to buy a parrot. The clerk responds, "ah exellent! We happen to have three excellent parrots in stock right now. This lovely one here goes for $10,000." Startled the man remarks that this seams like a high price for a bird. "Well you see this is a special parrot, it can answer the phone and make appointments for you." The man is very impressed by this but decides to look at the other two as well. "This one here goes for $20,000 since it is excellent at sales and will actually make money for you." Astounded at the skills of these birds the man can hardly wait to find out about the final parrot. "Lastly this parrot is priced at $50,000." The man is practically knocked over by this outlandish price and asks what it does that could possibly make it worth so much money. "I don't know but the other two call it boss."