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I was in a mosh pit with a load of Muslims.
It was Khanage.
What do you call Muslim chili peppers?
Halalapenos
Did you hear about the guy with a fruit fetish?
He's fucking bananas.
I named my eraser Confidence…
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
I taught a wolf to meditate
Now it’s aware wolf
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
What odd number is no longer odd when you remove a letter?
Seven. If you you remove the S it becomes even. Heard from my nine year old three minutes ago. I’ve never been more proud.
How do you spell Panda?
In order to spell Panda, all you need is p and a.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing that Arkansas.
Asked my date to meet me at the gym, but she never showed up.
Guess the two of us aren't going to work out.
How does the KKK brew Whiskey?
In a Cracker Barrel.
Saw a man standing on one leg at an ATM.
Confused, I asked him what he was doing… He said: “Just checking my balance.”
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
Why do gay people smile so much?
It's hard for them to keep a straight face.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk, I have a work station.
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
What’s wrong with Arby’s ?
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.” “Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor. “It’s worth a try,” he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.” “What?” says the priest. “What happened?” “You gave birth to a child.” “But that’s impossible!” “I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.” About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.” The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?” The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
For anyone attending Stan Lee’s funeral…
Make sure you stay after the ceremony is finished.
The past, present and future walk into a bar
It was tense
My wife said that I should start paying more attention to what’s going on around me.
I’ll try harder in 2018.
I have many jokes about unemployed people.
Sadly, none of them work.
My dad first talked to me about sex when I was going to college.
He said, "Son, in college you're going to be surrounded by beautiful girls, so I got you something from the chemist." "Dad," I said, "I have condoms." And he said, "You won't need condoms, I got you some anti-depressants."
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
I know a film director that only hires overweight actors and actresses, even if they’re terrible.
I think it's flabbercasting.
What did the person who got hit by lightning twice say about it?
Since it was so rare to be hit even once, he (or she, since I don't want people to get offended) was quite shocked about it all.
I broke 2 fingers on my right hand today
On the other hand everything is OK. Happy Fathers Day everybody
What do you call a homeless man with no porridge?
A no-porridge no-home man.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned in company?
Because it is two gross.
I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…
He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.
Daily US death toll like a new 9/11 every couple days now- How can anybody compete with that
https://ift.tt/2AgJ5oT