Reported from r/dankmemes and I thought it would be cool here
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
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“Doctor, I intend to not vaccinate my son. Should I take any precautions?”
“Yes. Don’t get too attached to him”.
Two books meet in a Library. One says ‘ You don’t look too well ‘ and the other replies..
… Just had my Appendix removed.
“Never thought our child would go that far.”
"That trebuchet is really something. Let's get the cat!"
Why do pirates love Reddit?
It's the best place to exchange stolen content for gold.
How do you get a farm girl to like you?
A tractor.
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Why can’t you see hippopotamus hiding in trees?
Because they're really good at it.
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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What did the painter say after his vehicle was stolen?
Where’d the Van Gogh?
He knows all the racist slogans, but don’t have any idea that they are…Sure, Jan
https://ift.tt/2XMxYMr
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
Unique Dildo!
A blonde walks into a porno shop and asks, "How much for the white dildo?" Salesman answers, "$35." Blonde: "How much for the black one?" Salesman: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." Blonde: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes. A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo?" Salesman: "$35." Black Woman: "How much for the white one?" Salesman: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." Black Woman: "Hmmm… I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before…" She pays him, and off she goes. About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos?" Salesman: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." Blonde: "Hmmmmm…, how much is that plaid one on the shelf?" Salesman: "Well, that's a very special dildo… it'll cost you $165." Blonde: She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never had a plaid one before," She pays him, and off she goes. Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165."
Someone keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off
I think I’m being stalked
They told me I’d never be good at poetry cause I’m dyslexic.
But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.
Why couldn’t Hitler eat oranges?
Because he hated the juice.
My friend David lost his ID.
Now he's just Dav.
Free Sex with Fill-Up
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up!' Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, "You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time." A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time." As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex at all." Paddy replied, "No, no, it's genuine enough Mick. My sister won twice last week."
How do bees welcome their guests?
They buzz them in.
Stephen King has a son named Joe.
I'm not joking, but he is.
My wife will not be happy…
While trying to avoid hitting a dog, I lost control of my car and landed in a ditch by the side of road. With some difficulty, as I crawled out of the ditch, a beautiful woman who had stopped her car and came to help me asked "Are you okay?" "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up. She said, “Come, get in my car. I’ll take you to my place that is only few blocks away. You can clean up, and then I will examine to confirm that you are not hurt.” "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" "Oh, come on, I’m a Doctor," she insisted. "We need to see if you have any scrapes and treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very kind. I could not say no, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place and after cleaning up, she examining me to confirm that I do not have any major injury and then offered a drink. We had couple of drinks, but all along I was feeling guilty and finally told her, "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. I suppose, she must be at home, right?" "Well, not really. She must be still in the ditch."
According to my therapist, I have extreme trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
A drunk guest returns to his hotel and says to the clerk “Hi. I’ve forgotten what room I’m in.”
Clerk responds, "No problem, sir. This room is called 'The Lobby'"
The other day, my friend told me I was delusional.
I nearly fell off of my unicorn.
1 week before Grandad died we bought him a snowboard…
…he went downhill very quickly after that.
I found a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
Why did Jeffrey Epstein’s English teacher fail him?
Because he never finished his sentences…
Geology rocks but geography is where it’s at
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The first time I saw foot porn, I didn’t like it
So after a while I decided to give it another try, and it wasn’t half bad. I guess I got off on the wrong foot
Did you hear about the English teacher who went to jail?
She got a full sentence
