Reporting Errors
A clown just held the door open for me,
I thought it was a nice Jester.
To the person who stole my glasses, I will find you.
I have contacts.
A priest has a heart attack…
A priest has a heart attack and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being wheeled through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No," says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.
The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 60." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt." Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."
I can never go back
A mature woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to revive her man's sex drive. "What about trying Viagra?" asks the doctor. "Not a chance" says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an aspirin for a headache." "No problem" replies the doctor. "Drop it into his coffee, he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to let me know how you got on." A week later Mrs. Murphy attends Surgery and the doctor enquires as to how things went. "Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor." "What happened?" asks the doctor. "Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee. The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop. It was terrible." "What's terrible?" asked the doctor. "Was the sex not good?" "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again."
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Someone threw cheese at me…
Real mature!
One plant says to the other, hey, are you hungry?
Well, I could use a light snack.
Why did the tomato lose the race?
Because she couldn't ketchup
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
A Beer Goes Into a Bar and Orders a Drink.
The bartender brings the drink and the beer starts whining. "My life is terrible, Nobody likes me, The world sucks." The bartender replies "it's all in your head."
Why did 25 letters of the alphabet get coal for Christmas?
Because they were not E
I think my wife is putting glue on my rifle collection.
She denies it, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Professor X to JK Rowling:
Professor X: "What's your power?" JK Rowling: "I can rewrite the past of fictional characters." Gay Professor X: "Interesting."
Wife: honey, I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid.
Husband, with tears of joy going down his face: Hi I’m pregnant. We’re going to have our first kid, I’m dad
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
What’s the difference between me and cancer?
My dad didn't beat cancer
My Tinder match said she’d talk to me again when she got home…
Guess she’s homeless.
I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch…
He could binomial!
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter. She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station. Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?" The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate. The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
My wife asked why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid that Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
What do you call a lazy cow?
Lean beef.
Hey, fork you.
I'm sorry, that wasnt very knife.
What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?
Dear Sir, We have terminated your internet service due to illegal copyright violation practices. Sincerely, Your ISP
My wife and I got in a big argument over how she wanted to give birth.
It was our first midwife crisis.
A robber enters a bank and points a gun at the teller
Robber: Put all the money in the bag or you’re Geography! Teller: Don’t you mean History? Robber: Don’t change the subject!
Bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “One whiskey and ………………. one coke.
"Why the big pause?" – says the bartender. "I don't know. I was born with them" – says the bear.