Repost! This is my Monday’s.
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
How I used to survive off 4 hours a sleep a night is crazy
I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
I went into a pharmacy and asked “what gets rid of Coronavirus?”
The assistant replied “ammonia cleaner” I said “I’m sorry, I thought you worked here”
What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?
12 Pirates
Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What do you call a dinosaur fart ?
A blast from the past
It’s surprising flat earthers are still using money.
You’d think they’d have concern over it making the world go round. EDIT: Thanks for the silver kind stranger! It’s made my world go round.
How do you make a tissue dance?
You put a little boogie in it…
What does Bill Cosby and Santa Claus have in common?
You have to be asleep or they can't come.
My dad always said I loved alphabet soup growing up.
But really it was just him putting words in my mouth.
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”
What is the nation where everyone stays younger ?
Rejuvenation
You shouldn’t watch any horror movies today
It May, Fri 10 you.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I got her an identical one.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
I had to replace my chain saw
The old one just wasn't cutting it anymore.
I learned how to time-travel tomorrow.
At least, that's what I will hope.
The first time I used an elevator..
Was a really uplifting experience. The second time let me down.
If big feet means big dick and big car means small dick…
Then no wonder people are so scared of clowns.
According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
My friend received some land to build on…
He said, "Thanks, a lot".
Why did the cowboy get a weiner dog?
Because he was told to get a long little doggie.
A black hole and a nebula go for a meal together at a restaurant…
The nebula orders a huge amount of food but the black hole just orders a drink and a small appetizer. The nebula says to the black hole, “Are you sure you don’t want more?” The black hole replies, “Nah, I eat light.”
What is the root of all evil?
25.8069758011
If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.
Noble gases should have no reaction
A man is lost in the woods and it is getting dark.
As he walks through the woods he comes across a small cabin. He goes up to the cabin and knocks on the door. An old Chinese man opens it. “I’m lost in the woods and I need somewhere to stay for the night,” the man said. “Can I please stay here?” “Sure,” said the Chinese man. “But as long as you don’t lay a finger on my daughter. If you do, I’ll give you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man. The man agreed to the Chinese man’s conditions. However when it was time for dinner the daughter came downstairs and he saw how beautiful she was. “This old Chinese guy will never find out,” the man thought to himself. So that night the man went to the Chinese man’s daughter’s room and they had mad passionate sex. The next day the man woke up and there was a huge rock on his chest. There was a sign on it that said “Chinese torture number 1: Rock on chest.” The man laughed and though to himself “Is this really the worst Chinese torture?” He then threw the rock out the window and started to walk towards the bedroom door and then he stopped when he saw the sign on it. It said “Chinese torture number 2: Rock tied to right testicle.” The man started to panic. He decided to jump out the window with the rock because a few broken bones is better than a castration. As he fell out the window, he saw a sign in the ground. It said “Chinese torture number 3: left testicle tied to bedpost.”
Spent over an hour at the wife’s grave this morning.
Bless her, she thinks I'm digging a pond.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
I only know 25 letters of the alphabet
I can never understand y.
A couple of years ago, one night,
I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on hold to help him through his injuries.Joseph had gotten a big glass shard in his eye, making him completely blind in that eye. He was walking around with one of those cotton pads on his eye for a couple of months. Then suddenly, he disappeared, along with my girlfriend . Apparently they'd bonded during the time after his injuries, and eloped together , left me behind without as much as a note. I tried to track them down, but never could. In conclusion, if it hadn't been for cotton eye Joe, I'd have been married a long time ago. Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from, cotton eye Joe?
My GF said she hates my sense of direction.
So I packed my stuff and right.
I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus 🙁
When Jane first met Tarzan in the jungle, she was instantly attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him if he had ever had sex. “Tarzan not know sex.” he replied.
Jane explained to him what it was. Tarzan said, "Ohhh…Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree." Horrified, Jane said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. "Here." she said, pointing to her privates. "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her right in the crotch! Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually, she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?!" Tarzan replied, "Check for squirrel."