Reposted by my gf’s grandma
A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..
After honeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage… After a few drinks, billionaire's friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie.. "It's simple" billionaire boasts… "I faked my age" "Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy…she is sensational, what age btw did you tell you are?" A friend asks. With a smile on his lips billionaire responds "85 years old"
Two reasons I don’t give money to homeless people. 1) They are going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol
2) I am going to spend it all on drugs and alcohol.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?”
I said: "Of course I would. I'd miss you, but I'd still love you."
2 is a prime number against all odds.
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Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks
After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby Keith and Lynyrd Skynyrd and my favorite football team is the Dallas Cowboys. Beat that!" The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country you fucking towelhead"
Communist jokes can be funny
But only if everyone gets them
I Googled “how to start a wildfire”.
I got 48,500 matches.
A Construction Company
A construction company was once working on a large corporate building. The manager was overseeing it's construction, making sure every beam was squared and every brick was the right shade. After all, he had even hired artists to add bright murals to the place. Halfway through the making of this, a worker approached the manager. The worker says, "Sir, isn't this building a bit colorful for a corporate workplace? I mean, we can barely transport all this dye with the forklift!" To which the manager replies, "Not to worry my friend! It'll work! You just need to expand your pallet!"
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
My penis was in the Guinness book of world records..
..until the police came and removed me from the library.
A guy was admitted to the hospital with 8 plastic horses in his stomach.
His condition is stable now.
![[REDACTED] is a common killer of scp memes](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wgqrlb1y9yp41-400x476.jpg)
My wife has an odd way of starting conversations…
She always starts by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”
What happens when you eat Aluminium foil?
You sheet metal.
Doctor: “Relax Steven, relax. Everything is gonna be alright.”
Patient: "But doctor, I am not Steven. My name is Mike." Doctor: "I know, I am Steven."
I want to dedicate this Dad joke to my father, who is a roofer.
So Dad, if you are up there…
Every single morning I get hit by the same bike…
It's a vicious cycle…
I asked my dad why he still buys vinyl.
He said, “Records are always a sound purchase.”
I was 16 minutes late for my first math lecture, 8 minutes late for the second, and 4 minutes late for the third.
At this rate, I’ll never be there on time.
Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?
It was about a weak back
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but it has no atmosphere
Did you hear about the semicolon that broke the law?
It received two consecutive sentences.
Would anyone be interested in being my companion?
Asking for a friend.
On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him. "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want." Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon." Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?" And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.
I’ve been diagnosed with a terrible disease that makes me tell an abundance of airport jokes…
The doctor says it’s terminal
I once dated a girl with a twin..
People asked me how I could tell them apart. It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a cock. Thanks to Anthony Jeselnik for the joke
Oh man, Joe. Looks like you should be put in a cage like the rest of the criminals.
https://ift.tt/32POHQb
These two guys at the golf course were talking about their blood sugar levels, while they prepared for their opening shots.
Silence fell as they put their stands in the grass, and when I looked closer at these stands I saw the design of them. Yellow and black, with wings attached to the sides. "Those stands are hideous," I said out loud, but neither of them heard me. I think they had dire bee tees.
