Republicans are so pro-life…
Immigrants are good cause they do jobs no American wants to do
Like fucking the president. -Jeff Ross
The government has been shut down for more than 15 days….
We can all legally leave.
The guys loitering on the street had been trolling this kid for a couple of years.
They'd hold out a nickle in one hand and a dime in the other and ask "Which one do you want? The nickle is bigger!" and the kid would always take the nickle. One day I took the kid aside and asked him "Don't you know the dime is worth twice as much?" He said "Yeah, but if I take the dime they won't ever do it again!"
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
This website won’t let me use “beefstew” as a password
Apparently it's not stroganoff.
So there’s this guy going around dipping his testicles in glitter
It’s pretty nuts.
My friend keeps telling me to cheer up these days. He says it could be a lot worse
I could be trapped inside an underground hole filled with water. I know he means well.
Mountains aren’t just funny…
They’re hill areas.
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
Ringing the doorbell….
…don't knock it 'til you've tried it.
What’s the difference between Keanu and a bakery thief?
Keanu is breathtaking, the other one is breadtaking.
How do you find a blind man on a nude beach?
it's not hard.
Why can’t you use “Beef stew” as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
Just invented a thought controlled air-freshener.
It makes scents, if you think about it.
Are you aware of how to avoid clickbait?
Guess not
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
A guy said to God, “Is it true that to you a billion years is like a second?”
God said yes. The guy said, "God, is it true that to you a billion dollars is like a penny?" God said yes. The guy said, "God, can I have a penny?" God said, "Sure, just a second."
[NSFW] My office had an OSHA violation
It's Not Safe For Work
What has 4 wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
My girlfriend says I only have 2 faults.
I don't listen and something else…
What makes cars look faster?
No text found
Microsoft is killing off support for Windows 7, which is used on a third of PCs globally
https://ift.tt/2uQvjqf
just stole a tesla
now it’s called edison
6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?
Because he needed 3² meals a day.
A pirate walks into bar and sits…
A pirate walks into bar and sits down. The bartender notices that he has a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over one eye. The pirate orders a beer, and while he's pouring it the bartender asks "So what's the story with the leg?" "Well it were many a year ago," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard, and a shark swum up and bit me leg clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a peg leg that very night." "That's terrible," says the bartender. "What about the hand?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship and a rogue wave swept me overboard again, and a whale came up and bit me hand clean off! I swum ashore and were fitted fer a hook that very night." "Wow," says the bartender. "So what about the eye?" "Well it were the very next day," says the pirate. "I were walkin on the deck a me ship, and I were lookin out fer rogue waves, and a seagull flew over and shit right in me eye!" "Oh man," says the bartender. "And that blinded you?" "Well no," says the pirate. "But it were me first day with the hook."
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
We'll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
What lies on a seabed and shivers?
A nervous wreck.
Men think about sex every 7 seconds…
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
I just watched a program about beavers….
..It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
Monkeys
A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly said, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiled and said, "That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas."
I can’t tell if I like my new blender
It keeps giving me mixed results.
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
Four surgeons are discussing about who they like to operate on.
The first one says “I like to operate on librarians. When you open them up, everything is sorted alphabetically” The second one says “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is numbered and organized” The third one says “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded” The fourth one says “Guys come on, operating on politicians is the best and clearly the easiest” The other three are looking at each other in disbelief. One of them asks why. So the surgeon says “They are heartless, gutless, spineless and heads and asses are interchangeable!”
My car really whips the llama’s ass! (excuse the dirt, it rained a bit this morning)
https://ift.tt/2SdIw5C
I don’t mean to make sweeping generalizations…
…but all brooms are pretty much the same.
