Respect
Two antennas fall in love and get married on a roof
The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was amazing
Aspirin
A man comes home to his wife with a jar of aspirin. "honey, I got you this aspirin" "but I don't have a headache" "great, let's fuck"
What’s the difference between the 1920s and 2020s?
Depression happens at the start of the decade now.
Did you hear about the Irishman who was impervious to bullets?
His name was Rick O'Shea
A man is eating soup at a restaurant when he drops his spoon.
It was a particularly busy day, so the man thinks "Great, by the time I get another spoon, my soup will be cold." Nevertheless, he flags down his waiter and tells him that he dropped his spoon. The waiter says "Here ya go" and produces a spoon from his vest pocket. "Wow, that was convenient" the man says. He looks around and notices all the waiters have spoons in thier pockets. "Why do you all have spoons on hand like that?" The waiter replied "We had an efficiency expert come in last week, and after a study, he deduced that the most dropped utensil was a spoon. So the manager insisted we all carry spoons to promote efficiency and customer service". The man continued to eat his meal when he just happened to notice a piece of string protruding from a waiter's fly. He looked around and noticed that all the waiters had one. He called his waiter back over and asked about it. The waiter told him "Ohhh, that's another thing put in place by the efficiency expert. He figured out that the most wasted time was washing our hands after using the bathroom. So we all have a piece of string tied around our penises. When we take a leak, we just unzip, pull the string and go. Since we dont touch it, there is no need to wash our hands." The man thinks on this and says, "Makes sense, but how do you get it back in without touching it?" The waiter leans in and whispers, " I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Drunken Fools
Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar. The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen." 1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar. The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke." 1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. 2nd Man: "Well what the heck, it works, I'll try it." So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
One day, an old woman was walking with two big plastic bags.
One of the bags had a small tear, and 20$ bills kept on falling from the bag. A policeman saw this and he stopped her. Policeman: Madam, you are dropping 20$ bills Old lady: Oh thank you so much, sir. ( Starts picking up the bills ) Policeman: Btw, where did you get all of this money? Did you steal? Old lady: Well, it's a long story. You see, what happened was, my house is next to a golf course. There is a hole on my fence. People keep coming and they pee in my garden from the hole. One day, I thought why not take this opportunity to make some money? So when they start pissing, I grab their penis and tell them to give 20$ bills or I will chop it off! This is how I earned these 20$ bills, officer. Policeman: Good to know. By the way, what's in the other bag? Old lady: Well not all of them pay.
Thats what happens when you follow Dr. Trump’s shady medical advice. You slightly croak.
https://ift.tt/3dralA7
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
Because they're always stuffed.
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
I’ve just been informed that my six year old son is not mine
and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
A flat-earther’s greatest fear is…
Sphere itself.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat any dinner?
They were already stuffed!
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
I think Tumblr banning porn has already backfired
Now more of their users are getting off than ever.
A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the flustered bartender managed to stammer. "Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
I thought I could score higher if I stuck to textbooks, I’ll know soon if I was wrong
https://ift.tt/2TPHZqL
What does an island and the letter T have in common
They both are in the middle of water
“That’s what.” – She
No text found
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
My girlfriend left me so I stole her wheelchair
Guess who’s come crawling back
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.
At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "no" and mumble a reply. Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy,' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'"
A cardboard belt is…
a waist of paper
My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work.
She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?" I replied, "Certainly," and took it off. Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well. Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too. Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
My son just threw a milk carton at me
How dairy
A guy walks into a bar and sees 3 pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling.
The guy asks "what's this about?". the bartender replies, "well, if you can jump up and slap the meat, you get free drinks for the rest of the night. If you miss, you pay for everyone's drinks for the next hour. You want to have a go?" The guy replies, "No thanks, the steaks are too high."
What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?
Toot-in-common.
How can you tell if an ant is a girl or a boy?
They're all girls, otherwise they'd be uncles.
What’s blue and not very heavy?
Light blue
My twin brother and I finally got a barber appointment and decided to shave off our Corona Beards.
He chose the electric clippers, but I got the straight blade. Despite being twins, we were razed differently.
Found this scrolling through my insta. Not screaming boomer but definitely boomer esq humor.
https://ift.tt/2NiAtSj
The Queen of England
The Queen of England was visiting one of London's top hospitals recently, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your majesty, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."