Respiring is reaction
Barbara Walters once did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands…
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walked behind their husbands, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime and women seemed happy to maintain the old custom. Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you still abide by an old custom, that you once tried so desperately to change?" The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."
Whats the rudest type of elf?
A gofuckyourself.
I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
My son tried to change the time..
But not on my watch
My friend canβt afford to pay his water bill anymore.
So I sent him a card, βGet well soon.β
Did you know that Terry Crews once had a heckler that mysteriously dropped dead?
Doctors said the man had died from dissinβ Terry
Life cycle of the male sex drive
Age 16-32 : Tri-weekly Ages 32-55: Try-weekly Over 55: Try-weakly
The national Origami Championship is on television tonight.
It's on paper view.
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
Guy Ritchie movies taught me all the British slang I know
A young kid came upto me and said “Can I please have a cigarette?” I was astonished.
Kids these days have such great manners
I watched a dwarf escape from prison today. As he climbed down the fence, he smirked at me.
I thought to myself, "Hmmm, that's a little condescending."
People write “congrats” because
they don't know how to spell congrajlashins.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are so good at it.
Why didnβt the skeleton go to the dance?
Because he had no body to go with.
I’ve been accused of plagiarism
Their words, not mine
My therapist told me that I find it impossible to vocalize my emotions.
Canβt say that Iβm surprised.
I hope someone woke up Green Day
No text found
My 13yo has had enough. I disagree.
https://imgur.com/a/b4uxwBM
I have a math joke
But Iβm 22 to say it
What do you call a 45 Cents concert?
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
What is the difference between two lions surrounded by crops and the part of a person’s arm extending from the elbow to the wrist?
One's a forearm. The other's a roar farm.
I saw two guys walking around in same outfit with their dog, so I ask them if they were gay.
Those faggots arrested me.
So this might have been posted before but…
A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom. She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week! The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his dateβs dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit. A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day. The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. βWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!β He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses. That night, he rode in the limo to his dateβs house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit. They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night. About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.
Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmation.
It was the least I could have done for him.
High grades
The son comes to his father: "Dad, I got a 7.5 on my test" "Congratulations son! In which test?" "Breathalyzer. And they kept your car…"
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, “what are you going to do now?”
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."
When I was in college, I used to drink beer in my underwear.
Now I use a glass.
I am giving up drinking for a month
Sorry that came out wrong. I am giving up. Drinking for a month.
Iβm not super experienced with wood carving.
I only know a whittle.
Out of all the machines, the pulley is the most egotistical.
Itβs always the centre of a tension.
Cashier: Would you like to donate $2 to end world hunger?
Me: Of course. Holy shit, I had no idea we were that close.
nooo you cant just increase released energy exponentially! Haha neutron printer go brrrr
https://ift.tt/36N0wJG
Dont you hate it when people get ahead of themselves?
EditοΌWow thanks for the gold kind stranger!
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs…
"Really?" she said, "Go on then…try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she lost patience and demanded "Come on, what day was I born?" βYesterday." I replied.