Responding to Trump’s latest Twitirade
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous
I'm seeing a lot of new faces here in the crowd this week and I have to say I am very disappointed.
Scientists got bored watching the earth turn, so after 24 hours
They called it a day
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
My wife just found out she’s adopted.
She was devastated and kept asking me "Why didn't they want me?" I comforted her and after a while, still crying, she asked to make love with her, which led to more tears. On reflection, banging her from behind and shouting, "WHO'S YOUR DADDY", was little insensitive.
Chocolate is like guns
if you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend
When a knight in Prague dons his armor…
…the Czech is in the mail.
Why did the FBI search the duck
Because he was a known quack dealer
Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl
You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it
Knowing that she will have more money than any of us will have in a life time.
https://ift.tt/2QbPKEP
This Movie Trailer Thumbnail and Title are Sending Serious Boomer Humor Vibes
https://ift.tt/2QPPJrg
Why are there no cats on mars?
Curiosity killed them all.
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Nah, I rather have the potatoes, eggs and fish from thousands of kilometers away. (But I get it, if you just don’t have money, you got to go for the cheapest)
Luke:”Yoda, are we heading the right direction?”
Yoda:”Off course, we are.”
Dictionary
The only way to read a dictionary from front to back is to read it in reverse.
[NSFW] Senior Sex
A husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer who was walking by, heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!!"
What do “PETA” and “Make a Wish Foundation” have in common?
A 10% survival rate I’m so sorry
Why did the American start shooting the river?
He learned fish swim in schools
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
What is the German word for constipation ?
Fahrfrahmpoopin
Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar?
They each got 6 months
Don’t read Part A backwards.
It’s a trap!
I said “Waiter, how long will my spaghetti be?”. He said …
“I don’t know we never measure it”
What do you call a blind dinosaur
A doyouthinkhesaurus
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until its Bill Withers
We were smoking a joint in front of a guy’s store, and he came out and said, “Excuse me, we have No Smoking rules here.”
I said, “Thanks man. Most other places have tons of smoking rules.”
Science riddle (maybe)
So guys i received a riddle for my friend and 1 grand is on the line. Can you guys help me with it?”50+10+0+the middle of the sea+the middle of the sun”