Rest in pepperonis Dad
[Warning]: 18++
19.
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes
it's all about raisin awareness
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!
Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh? Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work! Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly.. Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.
Can we uninstall 2020 and install it again?
This version has a virus.
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
Getting hit on by a hot gay guy is like finding a million pesos
I canβt do anything with this now, but if I ever cross that line Iβm all set
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
TIL Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween
I guess they don't appreciate strangers knocking on their doors
I just got back from the doctor, who told me I’m infertile.
I'm not kidding.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. βWow, this bed is big!β
βEverything is big in Texas,β says the bellhop. The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. βWow these drinks are big!β The bartender replies, βEverything is big in Texas.β After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. βSecond door to the right,β says the bartender. The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, βDonβt flush, donβt flush!β
Observing student-facilitated genetics presentations, this has been my experience:
https://ift.tt/2XM0qgO
Did you hear about the banana that was a prosecutor?
He won the conviction, but slipped up on appeal.
I tried to steal a window but the guilt was overwhelming.
I could not take the pane.
Why isn’t the submarine doing well in school.
He's below c-level
I pour my root beer into a square cup.
Now it's just beer.
At the Olympics I saw an athletic guy carrying a long stick and asked him, “Are you a pole vaulter?”
He looked surprised and said, "Nein, I am a German. But how did you know my name is Walter?"
My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn’t heard before.
My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other. Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?" Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands." Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.
The boss of a mining company is trying to decide which of his 3 sons to promote, so he gives them a test…
He sits them all down and tells them: "There is bound to come a time in this company when you will hit a sudden economic crisis. When these times come you must know how to cut down on expenses and do the best you can with what budget you have. " He then proceeds to give them each 1000 dollars, and tells them that he will come back to the mine in a week, and see which of them have been able to move the most ore with the money they were given. He returns after one week to check up on them, and approaches his oldest son. "How much digging have you been able to do?" He asks "3 tons of ore, father. I used 300 dollars to buy a broken digger, I then used my business contacts to find a mechanic willing to fix it for just 200 dollars if I gave his 5 kids a job. The youth is so desperate for a job this day, they will do 12 hour shifts even for an internship, and I only had to pay them 100 dollars each for a week of work" The father pats his son proudly on the shoulder before moving on to his middle child, asking him how much mining he had been able to do as well. "10 tons of ore, father. I used 100 dollars to run a local ad in the newspaper asking for workers, then took in 75 undocumented immigrants who all brought their own tools and shovels. They're all so afraid of being taken by immigration that they're willing to work for half minimum wage." The father looks skeptically at his son for a while, but notices the massive piles of ore the workers are carrying out, and gives him a nod before carrying on to his youngest son. "How much mining have you been able to do?" Asks the father "35 tons, dad, but I didn't use any of the budget." The father looks at him in awe, his jaw dropping "How were you able to move 35 tons of ore for free!?" "I invited a bunch of conspiracy theorists. They just keep digging deeper and deeper thinking they're going to find something, and every time I tell them to take a break they accuse me of trying to withhold the truth from them!"
I reported a bug for a game that came out yesterday, the cause had me laughing so hard
https://ift.tt/2LJIXR8
Why do chicken coops have 2 doors?
Because if they had 4 doors, they would be chicken sedans.
My wife said I could try lunges to stay in shape
That would be a big step forward for me
A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.
The girl replied, βThanks for the Baghdadβ
I am dad now
This just happened at the dinner table. My Dad was talking about how he got up very early for work. The conversation went like this: Dad: βMan, I woke up way too early this morning and it completely threw me out of sync.β Me: βWell, why were you sleeping in the sink?β My Mom rolled her eyes. I am Dad now.
My roommate is 2 days younger than me
So Iβve gotten into the habit of saying βwhen I was your age…β and then describing what I did 2 days ago
This Sunday is Father’s Day
I just want to give a shout out to all you motherfuckers out there.
It’s always awkward
It’s always awkward
Today I bumped into the guy who had sold me an antique globe.
Itβs a small world.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov’s dogs and Schrodinger’s cat.
The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not."