Rest of the world, if you’re listening…
Oral sex using telekinesis
Mind blowing
If pigs could fly…
I bet their wings would taste delicious!
I got my dad a refrigerator for Christmas
I can't wait to see his face light up when he opens it!
How quickly did the costume store employees clean up the sombrero spill?
At the drop of a hat!
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
A nun is in the bath
Shes hears a knock on the door and a man says "can i come in". "who are you?" she asks nervously. "Im the blind man" he replies. "Oh well in that case come in" she says relieved. The man walks in. "Nice tits" he says "Now where shall I hang these blinds?"
Did you know diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in the jeans.
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
What’s the difference between Bill Clinton’s VP in makeup versus out of makeup?
One's gorgeous, the other's just Gore.
My wife claims that she can wax my chest hair without any pain at all.
I’m nervous she won’t be able to pull it off.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet because it’s a sobering reminder of why…
…there's never any money in there.
A Statistically Accurate Joke
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck. The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right. The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left. The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
Have you heard about brooms?
It's the cleaning craze that's sweeping the nation!
Today I said to my (male) colleague, when he was dressing
Looking sharp looking fresh, 10 out of 10 would smash!
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch…
Got the cold shoulder 🙁
I’ve been accused of stealing other people’s jokes
This post says otherwise
A story with a happy ending
I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig." “Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd cry. I can't stand to see a man crying.” "This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man … and then my dog bit me." "So, I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in it and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole damn thing! But, hell, enough about me, how are you doing?"
Never iron a four leaf clover…
You don't want to press your luck…
I hate immigrants…
If i could find a country that didn't take immigrants in I'd move there…
I love jokes about the eyes.
The cornea the better
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday.
Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
Today I bought some shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin all day.
I bought myself a snail to race other snails..
I took its shell off to see if it would go any faster. If anything it just made it more sluggish
I just got out of a heated debate with a friend of mine who read an article on this
https://ift.tt/36skeKs
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker's cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker's coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie. The truck driver didn't say a word as he paid the waitress and left. As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, "He ain't much of a man, is he?" "He's not much of a driver, either," the waitress replied. "He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles."
What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants!
A bishop walks straight up to the bar and the barman says
You can't do that. Bishops can only move diagonally.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
Everyone told Sam not to sing
but Samsung anyway.
Cole’s Law
Dad: “Have you hear of Murphy’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “Yes” Dad: “Have you heard of Cole’s Law?” Unsuspecting Victim: “No” Dad: “It is thinly sliced cabbage”
Why are there two “d”s in reddit?
The second ones is a repost like this joke
Nobody likes my joke about paper
It's tearable
Me at age 10: “I wish I was a dog. They’re always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!”
Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."