Reverend, Have You Been Drinking?
Reverend: Just water officer.
Police: Why do I smell wine?
Reverend: Good lord he’s done it again
A four-chin teller.
A man was a petrol station. He fills up his car but spills some on pertol his arm as he puts the pump away. He pays and leaves. As he drives away, he lights a cigarette and his arm on fire. He frantically waves his burning arm out the window and a police officer behind him pulls over and helps him put it out. The man thanks him profusely. The officer says, "No problem but unfortunately I'll still have to charge you." The man asks, "charge me? What for?" The officer replies, "unregistered firearm."
…but really, watashi no?
And boy are my arms legs
Crack open a boy with the cold ones.
…but that’s the highest form of flattery.
Take your foot off his head. ** Edit: Some people PM'd me to tell me they found this offensive. I reread it and I agree. Here is the updated version of the joke: Q. How do you stop an anti-vaxer from drowning? A. Take your foot off his or her head. Again, I apologize to any feminists out there for my originally posted version.
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
The bartender says "how did you do that?"
You need a parachute to skydive twice.
A spelling bee.
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.
More on this after the break.
Friend A said "You all have nothing on me. I go to the bar and bring home a woman every night. Not only that but I drive a corvette into work everyday and have a 8 inch penis. I have slept with more than 1,000 women" Friend B said "Oh yeah? Well I'm the top gynecologist doctor at the most highly rated hospitals in the world. I make $800,000 a year, have patients and nurses who have sex with me every hour I'm at work. All the women compliment me on my 12 inch penis. I have slept with well over 5,000 women." Friend C said, "I have you all beat. I fucked over all the Redditors who were expecting a punchline to this joke."
I wish I had never put it on.
The parrot was cool, though. Originally an Anthony Jeselnik joke
That’s not a good sign.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
A Roman walks into a bar, says "I'd like a martinus." The bartender asks, "you mean martini?" "No, just one."
But I didn’t think that would make any cents
Dad: Gotcha, gonnabesuperpissed.
Studies have proven that people who have more of them live longer.
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
It gave me thesaurus throat I've ever had.
But it didnt ring a bell