It’s a running joke.
Sorry, bad punctuation. I'm giving up. Masturbating for an entire month.
Oh wait, my bad. That wasn’t my waiter.
He is 3 years old, blue eyes, blonde hair…
The bartender asks “What can I get for you?” The CEO responds “We’ll have one drink and two drinks please.” The bartender replies “So three drinks?” “What the hell is three?”
One came, one saw, and one conquered.
After all, 2022 is 2020, too!
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
It overdosed on quack.
Cos when 1 person sneezes a 100 people shit themselves.
On the plus side, he makes great Subway sandwiches.
I can’t see an end, I have no control and I don’t think there’s any escape – I don’t even have a home anymore!
Definitely time for a new keyboard…
I told him that was a blanket statement.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
Because it was in the middle of 9/11.
I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
It had a bison.
One weighs upwards of 1800 pounds, the other is a little lighter.
I can't figure out why, it might have been that every time someone left I said "Thank you for coming"
They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500. The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer. Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable." Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?" The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
When the interviewer asked me ‘Do you have a criminal record?” I said “No, is that still required?”
because he lost interest
Land in it when they're not looking
Mountain climbing with a friend is hard.
Cause 2022 is 2020 too.
She wanted to speak to the task manager.
To beat the crowd.
Me: I'm a Harp Host: Your costume's too small. Me: Are you calling me a Lyre?
It was touching.
She was livid and screamed “what the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs”
They each got six months.