Reviewers keep in mind:
How do you find a velociraptor?
Distanceraptor divided by timeraptor
AveryTech Company
This is the most advanced and comfortable gaming desk on the planet. It even has power and usb outlets in the drawers and cabinets and the entire surface supports wireless fast charging. It uses our own patented one-of-a-kind power cable with-built in backup battery to deliver completely uninterupted charging and power. This amazing desk starts at just $199.Legs and power cable sold separately at two thousand dollars each.6 months later: Unfortunately we will be ending support for this desk.
What does a vegan zombie eat?
Graaainns
When writing a function and then googling just to see if there’s a better way
https://ift.tt/38mlMXf
I have sex with my wife almost everyday!
Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday, almost on Wednesday…
I was not ready.
(Walmart, son, stranger interaction.) Son: hi, I got a haircut. Stranger: looks like you got more than just one. Son: (silence) Me: bent over losing it
Women love a man brimming with confidence.
Because without that, what else is there to destroy?
Why can’t you trust a math teacher holding a graph paper?
She's definitely plotting something.
I ordered a chicken and egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
What is Forrest Gump’s favorite kind of pasta?
Pen- nay (penne)
After my son’s team won the soccer tournament, their goalkeeper invited both of us to a party to celebrate.
It was the father, son, and the goalie host.
I think my daughter has a crush on our pastor.
She talks about him religiously.
A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.
The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!” The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!” The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.
Her: I want to wake up next to you the rest of my life
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
How do you tell the difference between someone from Dubai and someone from Abu Dhabi?
People from Dubai don't like the Flintstones. People from Abu Dhabi do.
What do you call a helpful lemon?
Lemonaid
What do you call a spinning potato?
A ro-tator!
I think I have bad posture
But it's just a hunch.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for Fresh Prints.
I went on a gluten free diet because I was experiencing constant headaches.
And it actually worked. Clearly my-grains were the issue here.
A murderer who had poisoned his victims with iron supplements eventually and inadvertantly poisoned himself.
When he realized his mistake, he immediately called the police and confessed to all of the killings before laying down upon his death bed awaiting his own end, the same end that he had inflicted upon so many others. News media quickly came to the hospital and the killer was eventually asked two questions by two seperate reporters, one question following the other so quickly that he could not respond to the first before hearing the second. The first reporter asked, "How did the coffee taste that tipped you off into realizing you had poisoned yourself?" Where the second reporter blurted out, "How would you describe this situation where you have killed yourself by the very means you used to kill others?" The murderous man only responded once before breathing his last breath: "Irony," he replied.
Dating is a lot like fishing…
Sure there's lots of fish in the ocean, but until I catch one, I'm just stuck here holding my rod.
Social distancing isn’t just a recommendation, it’s a commandment.
Thou shall not COVID thy neighbor's house
If I had a Delorean
I’d probably only drive it from time to time…
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
50 dollars is 50 dollars
Every year for 45 years James and Lucille had gone to the state Fair. Every yearJames told Lucille he wanted to go on the helicopter flight. "Its only 50 dollars" he would say. Every year Lucille would say "50 dollars is fifty dollars" and that was the end of the discussion. On their 46th trip to the state Fair James asked to go on the helicopter flight, and Lucille told him that 50 dollars was still 50 dollars. The helicopter pilot heard their conversation and felt a bit sorry for James. He approached them and told them that he would give them both a ride for free if neither one said a word for the whole flight. If either one said a single word he would charge them the 50 dollars. James and Lucille agree. The pilot takes off and climbs as fast as he can and immediately goes into a dive, but he doesn't hear a word from the couple. He flys in circles, climbs and dives, zigs, zags, and everything in between. The couple never say a word. Finally he lands the helicopter. Over the head set he says "I'm really impressed. I did every thing I could to get a reaction from you two." James says "well, I almost told you to stop when Lucille fell out, but hey, 50 doolars is 50 dollars."
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
In college, I was so broke that I couldn’t afford to pay the electricity bill.
Those were the darkest days of my life.
What do you call a snobby criminal going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.
Want to know where I store all of my jokes?
In a dadabase….
A blind man went to a restaurant.
"Menu sir?" asked the owner. "I'm blind, just bring me one of your dirty forks, I will smell it and order." The confused owner went to the kitchen to retrieve a fork, and returned to the blind man. The blind man smelled the fork with a deep breath, "yes I will have the lamb with seasoned potatoes and spring vegetables." Unbelievable, thought the owner. The blind man ate and left. Two weeks later the blind man returned. The owner, wanting to know how good his smell is, quickly went to the kitchen where his wife Brenda was cooking and said, "do me a favour and rub this fork over your private parts" which she did. He then goes to the blind man and gives him the fork. The blind man takes it and puts it to his nose and says, "oh interesting! I never knew Brenda works here!"
What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?
The feathers. Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.
