Reviewers keep in mind:

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.  Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."  Old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.  Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.  Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy says "It's a pussy willow."  Old man says "Wait up … I'll get my hat."

Little Johnny asks, "Grandpa can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asks, "Grandpa can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asks, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "it most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!"

The stock market.

I will down vote myself on the way out….

It came completely out of the purple…

But I'm clean now.

Yeah me too.

My recliner and I go way back.

Son: Dad which one of us do you love more? Father: My love for you is like communism. Daughter: So equally? Father: No, it collapsed 30 years ago.

It’s currently half empty…

It was Motherfucking Gold.

​ The man lowers his newspaper and begins to stare at the robber with an amused look on his face. It makes the robber angry, so he walks towards the man, puts the gun to his face, and asks him: "what so funny, ha? You want to get shot?". The man's amused look turns into a smile as he answers the robber back: "You are joking right?". The robber, bursting with anger, places the gun one inch away from the man's face and says: "Say that again. I dare you". The man, who was previously completely relaxed, is now getting a bit worried. He lowers his newspaper further and says: "No, really. You are not serious, are you?". The robber sticks the gun into the man's forehead and threatens with a more serious tone: "One more word and I swear I am pulling the trigger". The man, no longer showing the slightest hint of amusement, says: "Look, there is a first time to everything, but this is unbelievable. Do you really have any idea of what you are doing?". "that is it!" the robber snaps. "I have a gun, you are unarmed, everybody else is scared to death, and there are zero guards in here! Don't you understand the situation? I completely got this under control!". At this point, the man puts down his newspaper with an honest, concerned look on his face. He looks the robber in the eye and says: "Dude, this is a blood bank".

I should have gone to Wendy's instead.

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice. Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist." My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.

Because the cow has the udder.

Some asshole has my pen

They're making headlines everywhere!

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​ The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!" The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of reactants, can no longer continue!" Meanwhile, the two turn around to find that the statistician is running around the room setting everything else on fire. "What the hell are you doing??" "Getting a proper sample size!"

Dad: I don’t know who that is. Me: how do you not know who Stan Lee is? Dad: Because you haven’t told me his last name. Me:….

My next shit could spell disaster.

The attack made headlines.

They are prosecuted and the judge sentences them all to 100 lashes each. However he wants to look lenient in the eyes of their respective countries so he reduces the lashes to twenty and allows them to have two requests each before being lashed. The Spanish is first to be lashed and requests a bottle of tequila and a pillow strapped to his back. They let him drink the tequila and strap the pillow to his back and then commence the lashes. After 5 lashes the pillow breaks and they keep lashing him. After the 20 lashes he's bawling and his back is horribly scarred. They haul him away to be sent back to Spain. The French man is next and he requests two pillows (one per request). After 10 lashes the pillows break and they continue with the next 10. By the end he's also horribly scarred and bawling, but not as bad as the Spanish guy. While they are hauling off the French guy the judge turns to the Brit and says "Well it's your turn now. What do you request?" The British man responds "First I want the original punishment of 100 lashes. I don't believe I should get off easy." The Judge yells "You're crazy! why would you do that?" The Brit responds "Because my next request is to have the French man strapped to my back."

Republicans don't think they're funny, and Democrats don't think they're jokes.

Took me ages to get her husband's voice right.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again!

seemed to be a booby trap.

Because it was 2-tired. (Courtesy of my daughter)

I just wish it had been mine.

Taken: Out Of Context.

Apparently "No it's just you" wasn't the right answer.

… To which the lift attendant replied, "Maybe not, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

But the star was Patrick

Would you drive it a lot, or just from time to time?

I told him "you're not going to find what you're looking for."

It's something that a hundred men or more could never do…