Revolution
What do astronauts do when they’re sorry?
Apollogize
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
I’m so disappointed in this generation
These days, people will click on anything even if it's nothing more then a catchy title
Do I have COVID-19?
Or did you just take my breath away?
[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. ”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring”. ”It was just the right rythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She pauses to wipe away a tear, and continued, ”He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
Please be kind to Jussie Smollett guys…
You know he's really beating himself up right now.
A man goes to a bar and sees a girl dancing on a table.
He walks over to her and says, "Wow, nice legs!" She is flattered and replies, "You really think so?" The man says, "Oh definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."
How does a lumberjack know how many trees he’s cut down?
He keeps a log.
My six year old nephew just told me this joke… Why does a a duck have feathers?
To cover its butt quack.
A lot of conflict in the Wild West….
….could have been avoided completely if cowboy city planners had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Government
A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?" Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then Bud says to the young man, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living – or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. ….. Now give me back my dog.
Why were the Men in Black at Bruce Wayne’s Mansion?
his parents just died
I once had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.
When I'm so inclined.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
I’ve been secretly injecting soap into my balls to see if I can jizz bubbles.
It's time for me to come clean.
A man is on is death sentence and he gets to choose his last meal
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life, they never found a working machine.
I’ve just started up a dating site for chickens.
Its not my normal day job, I'm just doing it to make Hens meet.
Every time I ask what LGBT is
I can never get a straight answer
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck
A man phones the doctor about his hearing aid, but gets no answer.
The doctor phones the man back shortly after and says, "You called?" The man thinks for a second, then says, "No, pretty warm, actually."
A 2nd grade teacher decides to teach sex ed. to her class…
She starts out by drawing a penis on the chalk board and asks the class, "Does anyone know what this is?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, my dad has 2 of them!" And the teacher says, "Are you sure about that?" And little Johnny says, "Yes, he uses a small skinny one to go to the bathroom, and a big long one to brush the babysitter's teeth."
A man has been stealing wheels of police cars
The police have been working tirelessly to catch him
How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only two: One to promise a bright future and another one to screw it up.
I’m going through a lot right now
I cant seem to find a parking spot
What do fish get high on?
Seaweed