Rick and Morty is for everybody
My five year old son was playing in the garden…
When he sees 2 spiders. He asks me, "Is that a mummy longlegs under that daddy longlegs?" No son, there is no mummy longlegs only daddy longlegs." I felt pretty proud of my answer, until he stomps on both spiders saying, "We'll have none of that gay shit in our fucking garden"
My science teachers response whenever I fill up a cup of water with no safety goggles
https://ift.tt/3b9An9b
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Told my fiance that I think our dog is depressed.
She asked me why and I said that everytime we get home, I say hello to him and ask how his day was. He answers with "Rough! Rough!"
Some people have trouble sleeping…
…but I can do it with my eyes closed.
If Trump were captain of the RMs Titanic
Captain Trump of the RMS Titanic: There isn't any iceberg. There was an iceberg but it's in a totally different ocean. The iceberg is in this ocean but it will melt very soon. There is an iceberg but we didn't hit the iceberg. We hit the iceberg, but the damage will be repaired very shortly. The iceberg is a Chinese iceberg. We are taking on water but every passenger who wants a lifeboat can get a lifeboat, and they are beautiful lifeboats. Look, passengers need to ask nicely for the lifeboats if they want them. We don't have any lifeboats, we're not lifeboat distributors. Passengers should have planned for icebergs and brought their own lifeboats. I really don't think we need that many lifeboats. We have lifeboats and they're supposed to be our lifeboats, not the passengers' lifeboats. The lifeboats were left on shore by the last captain of this ship. Nobody could have foreseen the iceberg.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers!
Two dragons walk into a bar. One says to the other “It’s hot in here”
The other replies "shut your mouth"
My wife sent me an article that says men’s beards have more germs than dogs.
I said of course. There are no dogs in my beard. https://imgur.com/B7mUpUc
What did the mouse use to build his house?
Cottage cheese
Why does Karl Marx write in lowercase?
He hates capitalism
What’s the least spoken language?
Sign language.
Went to donate blood today…awful experience, never again….
Question after question…"who's blood is it?"….."where did you get it?"….."why is it in a bucket?
A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night. The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork." The robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies." Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?" Son says, "Toy Story." The robot slaps the son. Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn." Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was." The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well. He certainly is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.
What’s the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
The taste. Kindly stolen from my friend who is an ER doc.
What’s the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.
Australians don’t have sex
Australians mate
Men vs gorilla
Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure. Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior? Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.' r>Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free. 'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.' Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.' The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure. Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!' The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her. The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!' Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood … Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same..
Do you want to hear my impression of an extractor fan?
“I used to love tractors.”
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate.
Shortly after a British Airlines flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and
“OH MY GOD!” Silence followed….. complete silence… Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!"
I hope Death is a woman.
That way it will never come for me.
Started smoking for this girl who told me she was into people with cancer
Turns out she was talking about zodiacs. Anyway I've got three months to live.
“It’s a boy!” I shouted, tears rolling down my face. “I don’t believe it. A boy!”
At that moment I decided I'd never visit Thailand again.
If I disappeared into the fog tomorrow
Would I be mist?
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
