Ride with me,ride with me🇨🇦
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Everyone hates it, but I’m a fan.
All I did was take a day off!
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
…but backwards, it’s even more stupid…
Turns out I came early.
You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
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He orders a bear.
Because its cheaper
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I only have my shelf to blame.
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. 😁
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. That’s where I draw the line.
Is it The same shit different day?
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
Says he has always been able to count on them.