Ride with me,ride with mešØš¦
My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, “How soon do you think we’ll be able to have sex?”
He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes – meet me in the car park."
I dont believe in hitting my children as punishment
So i send them to school wearing crocs and anime shirts and let other kids beat them instead
Whenever Iām at the therapistās waiting room, I stand in one corner and blow air at people.
Everyone hates it, but Iām a fan.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory.
All I did was take a day off!
I respect tyres.
They've got plenty of wheelpower.
The word ādiputseromneveā may look ridiculousā¦
…but backwards, itās even more stupidā¦
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
An investigator
I went to a premature ejaculator’s support group today.
Turns out I came early.
Whatās the difference between a boner and a bonus?
You donāt have to beg your wife to blow your bonus.
Here’s an actual joke from my 6 year old
What is the pirates favorite part of the house? The back-yarrrrrghd! He was very proud of this joke and wanted to know if it was a good pun.
What’s a great example of click bait?
No text found
The person who invented autocorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because its cheaper
Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away. Soon, everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sitting there calmly…
Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." Satan asked, "Aren't you going to run?" "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?" The man replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
Why was the gambler on edge when working at a BBQ restaurant?
Whenever a waiter picked up a meat platter, they raised the steaks.
I had a bunch of books fall on me
I only have my shelf to blame.
Went to the sperm bank today…
The lady asked if I would like to masterbate in the cup? I said 'I'm good, but I'm not ready to compete in a tournament just yet'.
Ill never forget my grandfathers last words before he died.
"Stop shaking the ladder you little shit."
When did bugs become potatoes?
What if like a ladybug got all dusty and stopped flying and became a Potatoe bug?
Told my kids I’m allergic to prison…
My kids were discussing allergies at the dinner table. I told them I'm allergic to prison… because it always causes me to break out. Usually my dad jokes are met with awkward silence. This one however got a few legit chuckles. š
I have mixed feelings about graphs.
The x and y axes are pretty cool but not the plot itself. Thatās where I draw the line.
If u sit in the toilet to take a poop at 11:58pm and your still there till 12:03 am
Is it The same shit different day?
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
If I had to get rid of one part of my body, I’d get rid of my spine.
Sometimes I feel like it's holding me back.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters,
completely harmless until you light one on fire and stick it in your mouth.
So I went to the zoo and saw a baguette in a cage….
I asked the zoo keeper why there was a baguette in a cage and he said it was bread in captivity!
My grandpa just told me that he loves how reliable his fingers are and is really attached to them…
Says he has always been able to count on them.
