I’m going to rewrite history
History
When Beethoven passed away…
…He was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eight Symphony, and it's backwards too! Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… The Sixth… The Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery: "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
Boy George has 5 reddit accounts and likes to switch between them.
He's a karma-karma-karma-karma-karma-chameleon.
Will glass coffins be a success?
Remains to be seen.
Did you hear about the new pen that can write underwater?
It can write other words too.
I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.
The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.
Came across an ad that said “radio for sale, $1, volume stuck on full”
I thought, “I can’t turn that down”
One day a farmer discovers he has a talking horse
So, after talking to it for awhile, the horse decides that it wants to learn how to play guitar. So the farmer does the only logical thing, and buys the horse a guitar. Somehow, the horse learns how to play the guitar, and tours the country on talk shows, concerts, and even meeting the president. The farmer becomes rich, but still prefers the quiet of his farm, so he returns back to the farm. The horse still goes all over, now that he's been hired as a live musician for several talk shows, but he returns to the farm every so often to check in with the farmer and the farm animals. After a few months, the farmer discovers that a chicken can speak as well, and has a burning desire to play the drums. Despite the obvious punchline, the farmer buys a specialty set of drums for the chicken. The chicken forms a two animal band with the horse, and they tour the country, produce a few CD's, and make the farmer even more money. Soon, more animals, a donkey and a sheep join the band as the singer and the bassist. The chicken, sheep, and donkey are going to their next concert, but the horse flies back to the farm to find the farmer, sadly, dead in his bed. Never having experienced such deep sadness, the horse does what his human companions taught him: he goes to the bar, where he sees a newspaper that says the flight the sheep, donkey, and chicken crashed into the mountains, and none survived. The horse walks up to the bar, tears flowing from his eyes. The bartender looks up at the horse, and says "Why the long face?"
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
I’m a huge Star Wars fan and my wife wanted a divorce
So I handed her the divorce papers and said “may div orce be with you”
Dating a single mother
Is like continuing from someone else’s saved game
People keep saying today is pi day
But to me, March 14th will always be cake day.
I’m reading a book about the history of glue.
I just can't seem to put it down.
What’s the difference between an Indian and African Elephant?
One’s an elephant.
Tell the Punchline first.
How do you ruin a joke?
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.
A Famous Spanish Magician takes the stage for his world famous disappearing act…
He quiets the audience by raising his hand and then begins to speak… "Uno…" "Dos…" And then he vanished without a Tres.
The New Year’s celebration at Times Square was pretty disappointing.
They really dropped the ball this time.
So President Trump got into his Bunker because of the Riots.
As a german Guy I can say from experience that from this moment its not getting any better.
My girlfriend asked me if I’d like a threesome, and who out of her friends I would pick
Apparently I was only supposed to name one, not two
I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.
I only got paper, bindings and glue in the mail
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
Recruiter: ,,Can you explain the gap in your resume?” 💬
I just found out i’m colourblind
The diagnosis came out of the purple
Did you know that dogs keep track of how many times you’ve stepped on their tails?
It's your Yelp score
The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings
But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.
What do houses wear?
Address
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
I just caught my husband asking somebody for dating advice…
He's just not sure that radiocarbon is the most reliable method.
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
If I have twin daughters I’ll name one Kate,
and the other duplikate.
Poop jokes aren’t my favorite kind of jokes.
But they are a solid number two.