Right back at ya
My wife and I are following a Ketogenic, low carb diet plan, but this morning I cheated and had a donut for breakfast.
Oddly enough, when I came clean during dinner this evening, she seemed only upset about the pastry and not at all that I had slept with another woman.
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
So he isn’t spotted
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was “work” and how much of it was “pleasure?” A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time. There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the Private First Class who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for his opinion? Without any hesitation, the young Private First Class responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure. The colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why? "Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day.
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?” “She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
They take a meteor shower! ☄️
On hearing that her elderly grandfather has just passed away, Katie goes straight to her grandparents’ house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asks how her grandfather has died, her grandmother replies, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie tells her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex will surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. It was nice, slow, and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the ding and out on the dong." She pauses, wipes away a tear and then continues, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?' 'I'm out of gas,' the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. 'Try it now,' said one bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'? The bee answered, ‘BP’
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Could the r/dankmemes reddit be banning non europeans just as a dank meme?
It was a piece of cake 🍰!!! 😂
as i grew up i just realised it was just my imagine-asian
One minute you’re on a roll And the next minute, you’re taking shit from some asshole
Because they keep taking the jokes- literally.
unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions
Its very time consuming.
Now my wife is getting accused of laundering money.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?" "No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunningly beautiful 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds. "Hello there girls, your dad sent me up here to fuck ya both." "Fuck off you liar!" "I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of fucking one?"
Mother : Yes, a lot. Doctor : So are we vaccinating the baby, or should I slap you again?
He bent down to pet it, and screamed "it's fucking r/aww!"
It's best to just pick them up.
Is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away
because it takes too long to walk in a V-shape
No Son, have you seen my dadglasses?
*Bart's life flashes before his eyes as he's mercilessly shot four times in the chest*
They don’t want to admit that a piece a meat makes them happy
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
“Why are you driving so slow, ma’am?” The old lady replies, “Because it’s the speed limit, don’t you see the signs?” The cop says, “Those aren’t speed limit signs, it actually says you are on Highway 35.” The cop notices her three passengers look absolutely terrified. “What’s wrong with them?” the cop asks. The old lady answers, “Not sure, they’ve looked like that since I got off Highway 109.”
Gimli laughs and walks under it