Right thing to do, guys
What do you call a person who doesn’t wash his hands after pooping?
Arnold from marketing on the 7th floor. Fuck you dude, that’s disgusting. I know you sort by new and can see this. Wash your hands and Lysol your keyboard.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.
When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma
Unfortunatley, I didn't impress anyone at the cremation…
I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football
Nobody expects the Spanish in position
So far, 2019 seems odd.
Like every other year.
What country never wins or loses
Thailand.( Credit to my brothers who dosent use reddit).
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto
Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.
For her birthday, I gave my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.
She’s in for a rude awakening.
My wife bent over to put the dishes in the dishwasher…
I walked up behind her, placed my crotch in the center of her ass and gave a thrust. “Excuse me!” she shouted. “I’m trying to put a load in the dishwasher!” “Me too”, I replied.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
Police have arrested a man for having sex with fruit, but they suspect a second perpetrator may still be at large.
The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears."
She texted me: “your adorable” I responded saying “no. YOU’RE adorable”
Now she thinks I like her even though I was just correcting her grammar.
Last year, my friend told me he’s quitting his job to pursue a miming career.
I haven’t heard from him since.
My neighbors cows were stolen last night
He beefed up his security
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.
3 unwritten rules of life…
1. 2. 3.
Wife: I have to tell you something, I’m pregnant
Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m Dad Wife: No you’re not.
Someone accidentally mailed me 10 lbs of pot yesterday. So I did the right thing and called the cops.
They just came by and picked up all 4 pounds.
What’s black and screams?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron.
Puns make me numb
Math puns make me number
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
British people be like: I’m bri ish
I guess they drank the t
There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus
Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye matey! Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.
Just so everyone is clear
I will put my glasses on.
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it’s at.
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“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed
When we broke up she went fucking bananas
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!" The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion." The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
Male anatomy isn’t the same as female anatomy.
In fact, there’s a Vas Deferens.
Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I was finally able to get my DVD player to stop playing.
I didn't think it was pause-able.
Hear the one about those corduroy pillows?
Been leaving headlines everywhere
The wife said she is leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said great! don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out Edit: Thanks for the gold, kind door slammer.
If you really think about it condoms are just sonblock.
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A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old…
During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?” “It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!” “I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?” Smiling mischievously, the billionaire responds, “85 years old.”